I recently got to spend an extended amount of time in the Austin airport. Unfortunately it was not because I was leaving for a fun, relaxing vacation; I was picking some kids up...5 of them to be exact. More on that later.
While I was at the airport I witnessed a very good looking man waiting around to pick someone up. (I enjoy people watching in places like that.) I figured he was there to pick up a girlfriend...I actually never found out. As I looked around and flights started to come in, I saw people anxiously awaiting their arrivals, just like the handsome guy. These peoples eyes were huge, warm, welcoming, and overly filled with joy. And to watch their loved ones come down that escalator, that smile creep up on both faces, then to witness the the hugs, and kisses, and the unconditional love...I felt this overwhelming sense of hope. I also longed to be greeted like that. I saw a husband and wife become reunited (and it feels so goOOod) and for a few moments, no one else in the world matters, the world isn't even there for that matter, I saw happiness at its purest form. (I also missed my Mom and Dad terribly.)
I've had a hard time finding happiness lately. With things being miserable at work (Neil is leaving...there's a trend here I need to get on board with), my social life being in the dumps (some of this fault lays on my shoulders, yes), missing my family terribly, and having this overwhelming sense of being worthless.. there have been plenty of reasons to be upset. But actually seeing happiness in its tangible state gave me more of an optimistic view. This too shall pass. Right?
The five passengers I picked up are high school girls from Seattle. Their old coach is our new head coach. I heard them in the airport before I saw them. That was my first bad feeling. My second bad feeling came when we went out to Hula Hut and the girls were so obnoxious that we were asked to keep it down or we needed to leave. How embarrassing. After the weekend I had, the meet, the stress, and the BS trying to find a rental car for these a-holes....no thanks. Doug (coach) confirmed these girls staying with me on Thursday night. I was leaving Friday for the meet. I had to drive back to Austin to pick them up Saturday night, then drive back to San Antonio for the meet Sunday morning. Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me. I am a big idiot. How is it possible to want to help everyone out, having a big heart, and getting screwed all in the same process?
"Take a While/And Take a Breath/And Let yourself down slow/Gather Up your memories/Hold on to what you know"
Footnote: It's my first post NOT about a boy I like! YAY me! And LUCKY for you readers!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Have you ever had so much on your mind, but you couldn't say or write anything? Just a blank stream of consciousness. My minds eye looks like the static you see on TV when a station goes out for the night....which I have seen a lot of since I haven't been getting to sleep until well after 430 AM the last few days. I've been a bum. I had to bribe myself to do laundry. "Bridgette if you do your laundry you can go to Burger King for dinner." That really killed two birds with one stone because I was going to go anyways, since I'm way too lazy to cook dinner tonight. Nonetheless it finally got done and I got my flame broiled burger. Mmmm. Momentary happiness.
I was happy for about three minutes when I got a friend request from JK...yeah, that JK...then I got silly butterflies in my stomach... Then I got nervous when I started looking at his page. Nervous! For a kid I knew for a week! I got nervous because I didn't want his status to say "in a relationship"...or see him with a bunch of pretty girls. That's a hit my fragile ego could not take right now. There were a few pics like that...only of one girl, that was obviously once a gf...or still is, who knows. We didn't talk about that stuff much. I wonder if he replays what went on down here? I wonder if he thinks that I could be worth a leap of faith. I wonder if I'm the only crazy that wonders this kind of crap. I also wondered if smoking by yourself is looked at the same way as drinking by yourself. Both of which I contemplated doing tonight so I could relax/clear my head/maybe go to sleep earlier tonight.
I wish I could get out of my head sometimes.
I was also happy last night for about an hour and a half when I was talking to a friend of mine. He doesn't know how much joy he brings to my life. I don't talk to many people like I can him. He helps me make sense of a lot of things. We've only seen each other in person for about two months, but we've been friends for almost 5 years. Its crazy to think about really. He "deals" with all of my craziness with the greatest of ease. Lucky him he can turn off his computer whenever he doesn't want to hear me.
I found out today that I am once again being over looked for a few new coaching positions at the crap-tastic txla. Go me. Our new head coach wants to give our Jr. Longhorn coach (yeah, the guy that works under me, with younger kids, and has only been with us since August) the asst. head coach position for the senior kids. Nice. Luckily he can't work with kids over the age of 12 since they he is also working with the Men's UT team. They also offered Neil that position with 3,000 more dollars than Dave was making.
Yeah, I get it, I need to step up and say something. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to. My work ethic, dedication, and results should say enough. Now that Dave is gone I am the one that has been there the longest. I guess that doesn't count for anything. Like every day for the last 4 1/2 years has been worthless. It's breaking my little heart.
Maybe I need to get out of this game. What else would I do? What else would be this easy, enjoyable, and worth it? What else would let me sleep in until 11 AM everyday? And work outside? And rub elbows with Olympians, not to mention look at men nearly naked everyday? What else could I do in shorts, flip flops and t-shirts everyday?
Say I didn't get out of the game. Say I just looked at different places. Where would I go? I don't know if I want to leave Austin, but I don't know what else I'd do here. I certainly don't want to leave this kind of climate. I enjoy being tan 10 of out 12 months. I miss my family, sure, but could I leave the family I've made down here? There isn't many of them, but by God it would break my heart. To not be able to go to the movies with Emma, or to Trudy's with Mel, or laugh so hard I cry with Mary everyday? I don't know if I could leave that. No one gets me like May-May. No one. I don't laugh with anyone else like I do with her.
"Wait, I’m wrong. Should have done better than this. Please, I’ll be strong. I’m finding it hard to resist. So show me what I’m looking for. Save me, I’m lost. Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ll pay any cost. Save me from being confused. Show me what I’m looking for"
I was happy for about three minutes when I got a friend request from JK...yeah, that JK...then I got silly butterflies in my stomach... Then I got nervous when I started looking at his page. Nervous! For a kid I knew for a week! I got nervous because I didn't want his status to say "in a relationship"...or see him with a bunch of pretty girls. That's a hit my fragile ego could not take right now. There were a few pics like that...only of one girl, that was obviously once a gf...or still is, who knows. We didn't talk about that stuff much. I wonder if he replays what went on down here? I wonder if he thinks that I could be worth a leap of faith. I wonder if I'm the only crazy that wonders this kind of crap. I also wondered if smoking by yourself is looked at the same way as drinking by yourself. Both of which I contemplated doing tonight so I could relax/clear my head/maybe go to sleep earlier tonight.
I wish I could get out of my head sometimes.
I was also happy last night for about an hour and a half when I was talking to a friend of mine. He doesn't know how much joy he brings to my life. I don't talk to many people like I can him. He helps me make sense of a lot of things. We've only seen each other in person for about two months, but we've been friends for almost 5 years. Its crazy to think about really. He "deals" with all of my craziness with the greatest of ease. Lucky him he can turn off his computer whenever he doesn't want to hear me.
I found out today that I am once again being over looked for a few new coaching positions at the crap-tastic txla. Go me. Our new head coach wants to give our Jr. Longhorn coach (yeah, the guy that works under me, with younger kids, and has only been with us since August) the asst. head coach position for the senior kids. Nice. Luckily he can't work with kids over the age of 12 since they he is also working with the Men's UT team. They also offered Neil that position with 3,000 more dollars than Dave was making.
Yeah, I get it, I need to step up and say something. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to. My work ethic, dedication, and results should say enough. Now that Dave is gone I am the one that has been there the longest. I guess that doesn't count for anything. Like every day for the last 4 1/2 years has been worthless. It's breaking my little heart.
Maybe I need to get out of this game. What else would I do? What else would be this easy, enjoyable, and worth it? What else would let me sleep in until 11 AM everyday? And work outside? And rub elbows with Olympians, not to mention look at men nearly naked everyday? What else could I do in shorts, flip flops and t-shirts everyday?
Say I didn't get out of the game. Say I just looked at different places. Where would I go? I don't know if I want to leave Austin, but I don't know what else I'd do here. I certainly don't want to leave this kind of climate. I enjoy being tan 10 of out 12 months. I miss my family, sure, but could I leave the family I've made down here? There isn't many of them, but by God it would break my heart. To not be able to go to the movies with Emma, or to Trudy's with Mel, or laugh so hard I cry with Mary everyday? I don't know if I could leave that. No one gets me like May-May. No one. I don't laugh with anyone else like I do with her.
"Wait, I’m wrong. Should have done better than this. Please, I’ll be strong. I’m finding it hard to resist. So show me what I’m looking for. Save me, I’m lost. Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ll pay any cost. Save me from being confused. Show me what I’m looking for"
Monday, March 9, 2009
I've got a really good heart, I just can't catch a break.
Talk about a lyric speaking to you. Geesh. Ryan Adams also has another line in that song "It takes two, when it used to take one." Does that man know how to write songs to me or what? That previous line is foreshadowing.
I feel like there is a turning point coming in my life. Or something. I have had such a blase mindset lately. I couldn't give a rats ass about much of anything. I'm overly lazy, so I figure somethings has got to give. I've tried and tried to care, but it seems the more I care, the less I/ my work gets noticed. It dumb of me to keep putting my neck out there, exhausting myself for nothing, so why do it? If I can get by doing half the amount of work I usually do, why not? It seems like everyone else is that way, maybe I'll jump on that bandwagon. I just can't catch a break.
What a terrible way to think/act/be, Bridgette Jean! Your father would be so disappointed.
I had two amazing visitors this last week. Two swimmers were here for a meet. We'll call them JK (haha, that's a stretch) and Benedict. (I'm so glad no one else reads these blogs so I can later laugh at my own idiotic jokes) JK has a smile that starts with his dimples then just takes over the rest of his face, and Benedict is the quintessential southern gentleman.
Lets start from the beginning. I found out they were coming on Monday. They arrived Tuesday. When I first shook hands with JK the weirdest feeling came over me. I've tried to describe it to myself, and to a few other unwilling listeners, but the magic...? the magnitude...? the power...? of that moment was unbelievable. It literally felt like the world stopped. Something happened in that moment. I've never experienced it before. Ever. It's almost confusing. I don't know if he felt it. Whatever "it" was. Maybe he felt a little something... We hooked up a few times over the course of the week. It was either that or he really does like older women, which he mentioned. I don't know how old you have to be to be a cougar, but..... roar. (I'm hoping its one of those questions that if you have to ask you're not there yet kind of answers) And on a very, very, sad and pathetic note, he was the first one to have sex with me in my bed...I've lived here 4 1/2 years....FML.
These two boys were wise beyond their years. Way more mature than me, hands down. Quite possibly the most mature 23 year olds I have ever met. I would listen to them talk about their families... JK is the oldest boy with 3 younger sisters. To hear about him looking out for them, and protecting them from their boyfriends made my heart pitter-patter. Benedict is the protective type as well. Your all around man-of-the-house. No one is getting by him. And the kicker is these boys can't wait to find a good woman, get married, and have kids. We would be out eating and JK would see a family and comment about what a good father he will be. Benedict would call his Mom and Dad after his races and not be afraid to say "I love you" at the end of his conversations. It has been entirely too long since I've heard that come out a a guys mouth. I've always wanted to get married at some point in my life, I've never wanted kids, but after hanging out with those two for a weekend at least made me think twice. Haha.
I'd like to think that God was showing me what I was looking for. Or at the very least giving me a glimmer of hope that there are decent men out there. We didn't do much that week but eat, smoke, they swam, I coached, watched movies, they flew kites (true! lol), and I soaked in every moment. I don't think they'll ever know, or care, but man did I need that.
On a rather sad note, one of my mentors told me he was leaving Longhorn Aquatics today. He was the first guy I ever coached with down here. He's moving to Florida with Randy. I'm wicked upset about it. This will be his last week. I have learned far more from him than any other person on this team. He has given me the benefit of the doubt on many occasions, and has been my fall back person since I've started. Any problem I had he would talk me down from the ledge, make sure I was ok, and guide me through it. He has done wonders for this team, and for those kids. They have never swam so fast. I wish him and his family the best. He will be truly missed. Thank you Dave, from the bottom of my heart.
I feel like there is a turning point coming in my life. Or something. I have had such a blase mindset lately. I couldn't give a rats ass about much of anything. I'm overly lazy, so I figure somethings has got to give. I've tried and tried to care, but it seems the more I care, the less I/ my work gets noticed. It dumb of me to keep putting my neck out there, exhausting myself for nothing, so why do it? If I can get by doing half the amount of work I usually do, why not? It seems like everyone else is that way, maybe I'll jump on that bandwagon. I just can't catch a break.
What a terrible way to think/act/be, Bridgette Jean! Your father would be so disappointed.
I had two amazing visitors this last week. Two swimmers were here for a meet. We'll call them JK (haha, that's a stretch) and Benedict. (I'm so glad no one else reads these blogs so I can later laugh at my own idiotic jokes) JK has a smile that starts with his dimples then just takes over the rest of his face, and Benedict is the quintessential southern gentleman.
Lets start from the beginning. I found out they were coming on Monday. They arrived Tuesday. When I first shook hands with JK the weirdest feeling came over me. I've tried to describe it to myself, and to a few other unwilling listeners, but the magic...? the magnitude...? the power...? of that moment was unbelievable. It literally felt like the world stopped. Something happened in that moment. I've never experienced it before. Ever. It's almost confusing. I don't know if he felt it. Whatever "it" was. Maybe he felt a little something... We hooked up a few times over the course of the week. It was either that or he really does like older women, which he mentioned. I don't know how old you have to be to be a cougar, but..... roar. (I'm hoping its one of those questions that if you have to ask you're not there yet kind of answers) And on a very, very, sad and pathetic note, he was the first one to have sex with me in my bed...I've lived here 4 1/2 years....FML.
These two boys were wise beyond their years. Way more mature than me, hands down. Quite possibly the most mature 23 year olds I have ever met. I would listen to them talk about their families... JK is the oldest boy with 3 younger sisters. To hear about him looking out for them, and protecting them from their boyfriends made my heart pitter-patter. Benedict is the protective type as well. Your all around man-of-the-house. No one is getting by him. And the kicker is these boys can't wait to find a good woman, get married, and have kids. We would be out eating and JK would see a family and comment about what a good father he will be. Benedict would call his Mom and Dad after his races and not be afraid to say "I love you" at the end of his conversations. It has been entirely too long since I've heard that come out a a guys mouth. I've always wanted to get married at some point in my life, I've never wanted kids, but after hanging out with those two for a weekend at least made me think twice. Haha.
I'd like to think that God was showing me what I was looking for. Or at the very least giving me a glimmer of hope that there are decent men out there. We didn't do much that week but eat, smoke, they swam, I coached, watched movies, they flew kites (true! lol), and I soaked in every moment. I don't think they'll ever know, or care, but man did I need that.
On a rather sad note, one of my mentors told me he was leaving Longhorn Aquatics today. He was the first guy I ever coached with down here. He's moving to Florida with Randy. I'm wicked upset about it. This will be his last week. I have learned far more from him than any other person on this team. He has given me the benefit of the doubt on many occasions, and has been my fall back person since I've started. Any problem I had he would talk me down from the ledge, make sure I was ok, and guide me through it. He has done wonders for this team, and for those kids. They have never swam so fast. I wish him and his family the best. He will be truly missed. Thank you Dave, from the bottom of my heart.
Monday, March 2, 2009
You say potato, I say vodka.
It's been brought to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while. I have missed it as well. I have been so busy, and quiet lazy in my down time, so I've let my blogging responsibilities slip.
Here's a quick recap before I get into the detailed stuff...car still isn't fixed; STAGS meet was amazing, my kiddos swam so well; I survived a parents meeting; I've done some house/dog sitting, I've learned I no longer want a dog, or at least one that eats its poop, I almost vomited; I can't tell if I am coming into one of those "funks" people get, or if I'm getting coach burn out; our new head coach started, he has a constant "Walker Woody" which I'll get into more later; I have two boys from Indiana coming to stay with me for the week for a meet down here (tomorrow), can't wait to entertain again..I haven't recovered from the last visitors; I've been set up for a blind date, I haven't called him back yet, its been a week; T.A...he gets his own paragraph; I haven't spoken to my "best friend" Kirsty since Jan 1. Should I be worried? My ex-roommate still owes me money.
I'm tired.
Let's explain this Walker Woody. Our new head coach is star struck with a certain coach Neil that "coaches" for us. Let me first say that I think Neil is an amazingly talented swimmer, a great person, and a very, very good public speaker. He could motivate me to start competitively swimming again if I asked him to. (THAT would take a miracle) He's very fair weathered when it comes to coaching though. He's always preoccupied (No, me starring at Tom is not being preoccupied), on the phone talking about his other swimming ventures, constantly missing practices, and he's always on the fence about whether he is staying or leaving TXLA. I get that money is an issue...it is for all of us...but for him to get paid as well as he does by us, and work not a minute over 20 hours a week, he's not going to find anything much better. With that being said our new HC (head coach) refuses to see what a waste of money and time Neil is. It's kind of annoying to us coaches that do his dirty work, workouts, and administrative crap. Neil misses about 8-10 practices a month...and at our parent meeting he spoke about the kids attendance. Haha, there is some irony for you. Get over it HC. He's got no loyalties.
TA, TA, TA....what to do, what to do. I have recently done some soul searching...none that really gave me any answers but, I'm drawing conclusions. I only want a boyfriend at moments in my life...if its cold and I want to snuggle, I want some ass, I'm watching a chick flick, there's a group outing and everyone else is coupled off, and when I wake up because I want to roll over and get into that nook. Oh, yeah, and when I talk to my Gram; so she gets off my ass about it. (Love you gram-maw-fee-faw!)
I told someone about my revelation last week, and she said it was because I haven't met "the one". Yikes. I don't even know if that is in my vocabulary. That's right up there like "kids", "mortgage", or "401k" (whatever the hell that is). In the same conversation this person told me that I'm the kind of person that doesn't waste my time if its not going anywhere. And that I'm in it for the long haul when I finally get a boy. That last part is very true. I will admit to that.
So back to TA. After all the revelations I've decided to play it cool around him....which I don't pull off very well because it comes off as me being a cold bitch I think. I'm not nearly as fun, and I don't really see him as fun(ny) either because I won't let myself. Awful, I know. At STAGS is when I started pulling away, I did notice he was always around me, instead of me following him around. His family came by and I got to talk to his sister, and parents. Ha. I was less than happy the other day when we were all playing basketball, which I kind of feel bad about, it had nothing to do with him, nor did I take it out on him, I just didn't feel like talking. (Who, me?) Lastly he's accusing me of stealing his stupid water bottle. I have never ever taken anything of his before. It kind of made me mad because even after I said No to a line of questioning several times, he still thinks it was me. I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR STUPID BUBBA. Retard. You hot retard.On a related note I've gotten a lot more coaching in lately. :)
I haven't told my parents about my car. It kills me a little inside every time I talk to them and they ask if I'm OK. Ugh. I'm a bad person. They would kick my ass, but I know how they have recently reacted to my brothers' car accident, and my sisters shingles (really, Kelly?! who gets that?). This is my time to shine as the long lost golden child. No WAY I'm fucking that image up. It's the first time I've had this title since I was the first one to graduate college. I lost it when I moved to TX. Black Sheep Bridgette.
Sometimes I feel that I used up every single ounce of optimism and peppiness I had for my entire life in 7 weeks at Longhorn Swim Camp 5 summers ago. Who was that person leading cheers, drinking til all hours, and bouncing back to wrangle 200 kids? Maybe I need to get back on the meds I was taking at the time.
I don't think I drink enough. I don't workout enough either. I hate my hangovers, and I love food. It's an upward battle folks.
Sorry about the randomness at the end. I'm just throwing it out there.
Here's a quick recap before I get into the detailed stuff...car still isn't fixed; STAGS meet was amazing, my kiddos swam so well; I survived a parents meeting; I've done some house/dog sitting, I've learned I no longer want a dog, or at least one that eats its poop, I almost vomited; I can't tell if I am coming into one of those "funks" people get, or if I'm getting coach burn out; our new head coach started, he has a constant "Walker Woody" which I'll get into more later; I have two boys from Indiana coming to stay with me for the week for a meet down here (tomorrow), can't wait to entertain again..I haven't recovered from the last visitors; I've been set up for a blind date, I haven't called him back yet, its been a week; T.A...he gets his own paragraph; I haven't spoken to my "best friend" Kirsty since Jan 1. Should I be worried? My ex-roommate still owes me money.
I'm tired.
Let's explain this Walker Woody. Our new head coach is star struck with a certain coach Neil that "coaches" for us. Let me first say that I think Neil is an amazingly talented swimmer, a great person, and a very, very good public speaker. He could motivate me to start competitively swimming again if I asked him to. (THAT would take a miracle) He's very fair weathered when it comes to coaching though. He's always preoccupied (No, me starring at Tom is not being preoccupied), on the phone talking about his other swimming ventures, constantly missing practices, and he's always on the fence about whether he is staying or leaving TXLA. I get that money is an issue...it is for all of us...but for him to get paid as well as he does by us, and work not a minute over 20 hours a week, he's not going to find anything much better. With that being said our new HC (head coach) refuses to see what a waste of money and time Neil is. It's kind of annoying to us coaches that do his dirty work, workouts, and administrative crap. Neil misses about 8-10 practices a month...and at our parent meeting he spoke about the kids attendance. Haha, there is some irony for you. Get over it HC. He's got no loyalties.
TA, TA, TA....what to do, what to do. I have recently done some soul searching...none that really gave me any answers but, I'm drawing conclusions. I only want a boyfriend at moments in my life...if its cold and I want to snuggle, I want some ass, I'm watching a chick flick, there's a group outing and everyone else is coupled off, and when I wake up because I want to roll over and get into that nook. Oh, yeah, and when I talk to my Gram; so she gets off my ass about it. (Love you gram-maw-fee-faw!)
I told someone about my revelation last week, and she said it was because I haven't met "the one". Yikes. I don't even know if that is in my vocabulary. That's right up there like "kids", "mortgage", or "401k" (whatever the hell that is). In the same conversation this person told me that I'm the kind of person that doesn't waste my time if its not going anywhere. And that I'm in it for the long haul when I finally get a boy. That last part is very true. I will admit to that.
So back to TA. After all the revelations I've decided to play it cool around him....which I don't pull off very well because it comes off as me being a cold bitch I think. I'm not nearly as fun, and I don't really see him as fun(ny) either because I won't let myself. Awful, I know. At STAGS is when I started pulling away, I did notice he was always around me, instead of me following him around. His family came by and I got to talk to his sister, and parents. Ha. I was less than happy the other day when we were all playing basketball, which I kind of feel bad about, it had nothing to do with him, nor did I take it out on him, I just didn't feel like talking. (Who, me?) Lastly he's accusing me of stealing his stupid water bottle. I have never ever taken anything of his before. It kind of made me mad because even after I said No to a line of questioning several times, he still thinks it was me. I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR STUPID BUBBA. Retard. You hot retard.On a related note I've gotten a lot more coaching in lately. :)
I haven't told my parents about my car. It kills me a little inside every time I talk to them and they ask if I'm OK. Ugh. I'm a bad person. They would kick my ass, but I know how they have recently reacted to my brothers' car accident, and my sisters shingles (really, Kelly?! who gets that?). This is my time to shine as the long lost golden child. No WAY I'm fucking that image up. It's the first time I've had this title since I was the first one to graduate college. I lost it when I moved to TX. Black Sheep Bridgette.
Sometimes I feel that I used up every single ounce of optimism and peppiness I had for my entire life in 7 weeks at Longhorn Swim Camp 5 summers ago. Who was that person leading cheers, drinking til all hours, and bouncing back to wrangle 200 kids? Maybe I need to get back on the meds I was taking at the time.
I don't think I drink enough. I don't workout enough either. I hate my hangovers, and I love food. It's an upward battle folks.
Sorry about the randomness at the end. I'm just throwing it out there.
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