I'm watching the Notebook right now. I haven't seen this movie in years. My goodness is it good. I'm surprised its not in my girly movie collection. Amazing. "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."
So, I've got some catching up to do on here. I've had the most amazing 2 weeks since my birthday. I have been out nearly every night, still making it to every morning practice, and every meet session. It's about time my life is like this. I've just been waiting for this. I feel rejuvenated. I feel alive again. I was so depressed for a while there. I'm working out everyday, maybe twice. Playing basketball a couple times a week, trying to get into this running thing. My kids are swimming well, I've gotten to work really closely with the Senior groups lately and I've gotten a lot of compliments about it. It's still a roller coaster ride with T.
Yet, there are people who can't appreciate me being happy. Well, they do, but they can't believe it maybe. For the last couple weeks I've been keeping myself extra busy. No real reason for it. Just wanted to try it out. Sure, I've been burning the candle at both ends, but it's been worth every minute. I've been trying this "you can sleep when you are dead" theory out. Trying to be more of an extrovert, rather than the introvert that I am. I'm OK with it. I still like my down time, don't get me wrong. But when push comes to shove, I'm gonna go out. Morning practice or not. I like exploring my new worlds. It's taken me to different basketball courts with new people. It's taken me to a law school grad party where people were actually my age. It's taken me to put puzzles together, play cards, bbq's, volleyball courts, wine tastings, a track (the kind you run on!), and many, many, new fun places.
My 26Th birthday night was kind of an eye opener for me. I wasn't going to go out. I was dead set on coming home and crying myself to sleep that night. My one friend called me and said she was out. I figured why the hell not. Then more people came out. To see ME! It ended up being one of the most fun, random nights of my life. From that point on, I decided I wanted more random nights like that. And to do that, I needed to make more of an effort to see it happen. I finally feel like I'm my own person.
Still, I have gotten chastised for making my own life. True, I felt betrayed by these people for a short bit, but I got over that. In a way though, that might have been a kick in the pants I needed to jump start my stale, uneventful, depressing life. God winks I think those are called. They feel like I am cutting them out, which is not true at all. It's the exact opposite. They have helped me realize what I want in this crazy world. Just because I'm out having too much fun, and don't call, doesn't mean I don't love you all. Just means I will have wicked awesome stories when I come up for air next.
It's helped my coaching. I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore. I'm more laid back, and fun. I'm talking to the parents and working out their questions instead of avoiding them. I'm taking Doug head on. I'm stepping up to the plate, and hitting home runs. Those kids finally respect me. How do I know? They do my workouts without questioning me or complaining. They get in on time. They are sending me graduation party invites. I'm doing something right. Finally.
There's to keeping this ball rolling.
Brett Dennen, Follow Your Heart: "I am a dreamer/And I'm a lover/I've been let down/I've loved and lost/I've been alone/I've been far from home/Follow your heart/Follow your heart/Follow your heart and you won't get lost"
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Happy 26th Birthday To ME
26 years, huh?
As you know, I sit and wonder what its all about. What I'm doing. Where I'm going. If I'm where I need to be. If I'm chasing the right things. Paths, boys, life style. I can't shake it. I wonder why I feel like I'm standing still.(Broken record syndrome) I can't help but think, wish, hope and pray that something will turn up. 26years of wandering aimlessly....Moses did it for 40. Guess I still have some wandering to do. I wonder why I was made to be such and introvert with a talent (?) for such an extrovert job. I don't even know if I'm that good at what I do....I do know that I but on quite a show while I'm doing it though. If jobs had Emmy's....I'd win for sure. Maybe two. Eat it Susan Lucci.
How can someone be so miserable, and so blessed at the same time? I have an exquisite life. My family is entirely healthy...albeit dysfunctional at times, but who's isn't? I have a roof over my head. A "paying" job. A "running" car. I have my health. People looking out for me upstairs. I don't need or want for much of anything. I have a handful of people I call friends, and I'd think they'd call me theirs. I have bunches of people who I call friends, and they'd call me an acquaintance, or better yet, co-workers. Though I would do anyting for any of the above, even if it was a huge inconvenience for me.
I analyze myself and I know I could do better. You can do better. Always. I think I'm a good person. I should stop gossiping. And eating out. I'm getting better with that. I should be more girly. Ew. That one may take some convincing. I'm slowly figuring out that I am a cutie. Just once I want a boy to think the same (and maybe even say it)I should stop making fun of Mexicans, Asians, sluts, and retard swimmers/coaches. I'm sure if I end up in hell my room will be full of all of the above, and the cupcake table will be just out of reach. Ugh. I love cupcakes.
I miss my Mom and Dad. I miss moms cooking, and dads popcorn nights. I miss laying on our hammock during sunset and watching waves. I miss being in college and coming home to my boy and unwinding with him. (Note: I don't miss the actual boy, I miss being somebody's, somebody.) I miss being the girl I was during swim camp. That was a me that I haven't seen since 2005...that was me + anti-depressants though. Ha. I don't need them. I miss summers surfing. I need some sand between my toes.
Here's to living like I've got nothing left to lose. :)
Brett Dennen: "don't forget/that I believe in you/should you forget/let me remind/that I am behind you./you were a secret, waiting to be found out/soon be what everyone is talking about/may you spread your/love like laughter/find whatever you're after/open all your windows and let the music spill out..../may you dance like rain upon a still lake/you make this world a/beautiful place/no more crying, don't shun your light, keep shining/wipe your tears from your sweet face..../don't be afraid should things happen to change/'cause change can be a beautiful thing/should things fall apart/be patient like a rainbow/life is loving and letting go/"
As you know, I sit and wonder what its all about. What I'm doing. Where I'm going. If I'm where I need to be. If I'm chasing the right things. Paths, boys, life style. I can't shake it. I wonder why I feel like I'm standing still.(Broken record syndrome) I can't help but think, wish, hope and pray that something will turn up. 26years of wandering aimlessly....Moses did it for 40. Guess I still have some wandering to do. I wonder why I was made to be such and introvert with a talent (?) for such an extrovert job. I don't even know if I'm that good at what I do....I do know that I but on quite a show while I'm doing it though. If jobs had Emmy's....I'd win for sure. Maybe two. Eat it Susan Lucci.
How can someone be so miserable, and so blessed at the same time? I have an exquisite life. My family is entirely healthy...albeit dysfunctional at times, but who's isn't? I have a roof over my head. A "paying" job. A "running" car. I have my health. People looking out for me upstairs. I don't need or want for much of anything. I have a handful of people I call friends, and I'd think they'd call me theirs. I have bunches of people who I call friends, and they'd call me an acquaintance, or better yet, co-workers. Though I would do anyting for any of the above, even if it was a huge inconvenience for me.
I analyze myself and I know I could do better. You can do better. Always. I think I'm a good person. I should stop gossiping. And eating out. I'm getting better with that. I should be more girly. Ew. That one may take some convincing. I'm slowly figuring out that I am a cutie. Just once I want a boy to think the same (and maybe even say it)I should stop making fun of Mexicans, Asians, sluts, and retard swimmers/coaches. I'm sure if I end up in hell my room will be full of all of the above, and the cupcake table will be just out of reach. Ugh. I love cupcakes.
I miss my Mom and Dad. I miss moms cooking, and dads popcorn nights. I miss laying on our hammock during sunset and watching waves. I miss being in college and coming home to my boy and unwinding with him. (Note: I don't miss the actual boy, I miss being somebody's, somebody.) I miss being the girl I was during swim camp. That was a me that I haven't seen since 2005...that was me + anti-depressants though. Ha. I don't need them. I miss summers surfing. I need some sand between my toes.
Here's to living like I've got nothing left to lose. :)
Brett Dennen: "don't forget/that I believe in you/should you forget/let me remind/that I am behind you./you were a secret, waiting to be found out/soon be what everyone is talking about/may you spread your/love like laughter/find whatever you're after/open all your windows and let the music spill out..../may you dance like rain upon a still lake/you make this world a/beautiful place/no more crying, don't shun your light, keep shining/wipe your tears from your sweet face..../don't be afraid should things happen to change/'cause change can be a beautiful thing/should things fall apart/be patient like a rainbow/life is loving and letting go/"
Friday, May 1, 2009
One More Drink and I'll Move On
I've found this amazing little website...last.fm. I can just sit, and listen to any music or artist I want. its great. I then proceed to google new artists and lyrics and want nothing more than to post the best excerpts from those songs. Check it out. Sorry if I go in and out of writing.
Amos Lee, Seen It All: "Go ahead baby,run away again./Growing tired of chasing you.../I know you only have time,to love me./You've got nothing better to do./Know that I've seen it all before./I ain't gonna be your fool any more."
Last night I was honestly so sick I picked up my room just in case anyone found me dead I wouldn't have to die (again) of embarrassment that I had dirty clothes on the floor. I swear to you on that one. I also thought for a moment I had swine flu. Ha. I took some Night Quil, and passed the F out until about 11:30 today. I awoke to find someone had stolen my identity again on the same account as before but this time it was by a Pay Pal person who withdrew over $3700 from the account....I didn't even have $500 in that account let alone $3700!
Today was also T's birthday. All of us coaches had been planning on taking him out for drinks after practice all week. I nicely (foolishly?) went above and beyond and brought him ice cream for when he was done with practice. He seemed like he appreciated it. It ended up being Neil and I that took him out after to the classiest joint in town...Players. Play on playa. We had a few (5) pitchers between the 3 of us. Ha. T was getting rip roaring drunk. On the way out he yelled to the both of us to give him a holler if we wanted to meet him down town.
At this point I over think things for sure. I'm still over thinking it 4 hours later. If he really wanted me to join him personally wouldn't he text or called when he got in the car? Or would he? This is why it sucks to be a girl. And for as many non-girl characteristics as I possess, thinking like a boy is not one of them. But if I could pick a trait to want like a boy that would be it. That way I could really figure out that he's not into me, and I need to move the F on.
13 days til the b-day. Man. 26 seems so old. And I am so...not. But the numbers keep climbing. I keep playing the game of Life like I'm invincible. Forever young.
Damien Rice, Older Chests: " Like time, there's always time/On my mind/So pass me by, I'll be fine/Just give me time"
Most days it just doesn't add up. It....being me. I feel like everything is passing me by at once, that I'm not living, but at the same time its all standing still. Like nothing is going anywhere. Are you following this? Ugh, stupid girl talk.
Ben Harper, Walk Away:"It hurts me/To look into the mirror at myself/And it hurts even more/To have to be with somebody else/And its so hard to do/And so easy to say/But sometimes/Sometimes you just have to walk away.../With so many people/To love in my life/Why do I worry/About one/But you put the happy/In my ness/You put the good times/Into my fun.../They say if you love somebody/Than you have got to set them free/But I would rather be locked to you/Than live in this pain and misery/They say time will/Make all this go away/But its time that has taken my tomorrows/And turned them into yesterdays../And its so hard to do/And so easy to say/But sometimes/Sometimes you just have to walk away"
Amos Lee, Seen It All: "Go ahead baby,run away again./Growing tired of chasing you.../I know you only have time,to love me./You've got nothing better to do./Know that I've seen it all before./I ain't gonna be your fool any more."
Last night I was honestly so sick I picked up my room just in case anyone found me dead I wouldn't have to die (again) of embarrassment that I had dirty clothes on the floor. I swear to you on that one. I also thought for a moment I had swine flu. Ha. I took some Night Quil, and passed the F out until about 11:30 today. I awoke to find someone had stolen my identity again on the same account as before but this time it was by a Pay Pal person who withdrew over $3700 from the account....I didn't even have $500 in that account let alone $3700!
Today was also T's birthday. All of us coaches had been planning on taking him out for drinks after practice all week. I nicely (foolishly?) went above and beyond and brought him ice cream for when he was done with practice. He seemed like he appreciated it. It ended up being Neil and I that took him out after to the classiest joint in town...Players. Play on playa. We had a few (5) pitchers between the 3 of us. Ha. T was getting rip roaring drunk. On the way out he yelled to the both of us to give him a holler if we wanted to meet him down town.
At this point I over think things for sure. I'm still over thinking it 4 hours later. If he really wanted me to join him personally wouldn't he text or called when he got in the car? Or would he? This is why it sucks to be a girl. And for as many non-girl characteristics as I possess, thinking like a boy is not one of them. But if I could pick a trait to want like a boy that would be it. That way I could really figure out that he's not into me, and I need to move the F on.
13 days til the b-day. Man. 26 seems so old. And I am so...not. But the numbers keep climbing. I keep playing the game of Life like I'm invincible. Forever young.
Damien Rice, Older Chests: " Like time, there's always time/On my mind/So pass me by, I'll be fine/Just give me time"
Most days it just doesn't add up. It....being me. I feel like everything is passing me by at once, that I'm not living, but at the same time its all standing still. Like nothing is going anywhere. Are you following this? Ugh, stupid girl talk.
Ben Harper, Walk Away:"It hurts me/To look into the mirror at myself/And it hurts even more/To have to be with somebody else/And its so hard to do/And so easy to say/But sometimes/Sometimes you just have to walk away.../With so many people/To love in my life/Why do I worry/About one/But you put the happy/In my ness/You put the good times/Into my fun.../They say if you love somebody/Than you have got to set them free/But I would rather be locked to you/Than live in this pain and misery/They say time will/Make all this go away/But its time that has taken my tomorrows/And turned them into yesterdays../And its so hard to do/And so easy to say/But sometimes/Sometimes you just have to walk away"
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