I'm watching the Notebook right now. I haven't seen this movie in years. My goodness is it good. I'm surprised its not in my girly movie collection. Amazing. "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."
So, I've got some catching up to do on here. I've had the most amazing 2 weeks since my birthday. I have been out nearly every night, still making it to every morning practice, and every meet session. It's about time my life is like this. I've just been waiting for this. I feel rejuvenated. I feel alive again. I was so depressed for a while there. I'm working out everyday, maybe twice. Playing basketball a couple times a week, trying to get into this running thing. My kids are swimming well, I've gotten to work really closely with the Senior groups lately and I've gotten a lot of compliments about it. It's still a roller coaster ride with T.
Yet, there are people who can't appreciate me being happy. Well, they do, but they can't believe it maybe. For the last couple weeks I've been keeping myself extra busy. No real reason for it. Just wanted to try it out. Sure, I've been burning the candle at both ends, but it's been worth every minute. I've been trying this "you can sleep when you are dead" theory out. Trying to be more of an extrovert, rather than the introvert that I am. I'm OK with it. I still like my down time, don't get me wrong. But when push comes to shove, I'm gonna go out. Morning practice or not. I like exploring my new worlds. It's taken me to different basketball courts with new people. It's taken me to a law school grad party where people were actually my age. It's taken me to put puzzles together, play cards, bbq's, volleyball courts, wine tastings, a track (the kind you run on!), and many, many, new fun places.
My 26Th birthday night was kind of an eye opener for me. I wasn't going to go out. I was dead set on coming home and crying myself to sleep that night. My one friend called me and said she was out. I figured why the hell not. Then more people came out. To see ME! It ended up being one of the most fun, random nights of my life. From that point on, I decided I wanted more random nights like that. And to do that, I needed to make more of an effort to see it happen. I finally feel like I'm my own person.
Still, I have gotten chastised for making my own life. True, I felt betrayed by these people for a short bit, but I got over that. In a way though, that might have been a kick in the pants I needed to jump start my stale, uneventful, depressing life. God winks I think those are called. They feel like I am cutting them out, which is not true at all. It's the exact opposite. They have helped me realize what I want in this crazy world. Just because I'm out having too much fun, and don't call, doesn't mean I don't love you all. Just means I will have wicked awesome stories when I come up for air next.
It's helped my coaching. I'm not sweating the small stuff anymore. I'm more laid back, and fun. I'm talking to the parents and working out their questions instead of avoiding them. I'm taking Doug head on. I'm stepping up to the plate, and hitting home runs. Those kids finally respect me. How do I know? They do my workouts without questioning me or complaining. They get in on time. They are sending me graduation party invites. I'm doing something right. Finally.
There's to keeping this ball rolling.
Brett Dennen, Follow Your Heart: "I am a dreamer/And I'm a lover/I've been let down/I've loved and lost/I've been alone/I've been far from home/Follow your heart/Follow your heart/Follow your heart and you won't get lost"
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Happy 26th Birthday To ME
26 years, huh?
As you know, I sit and wonder what its all about. What I'm doing. Where I'm going. If I'm where I need to be. If I'm chasing the right things. Paths, boys, life style. I can't shake it. I wonder why I feel like I'm standing still.(Broken record syndrome) I can't help but think, wish, hope and pray that something will turn up. 26years of wandering aimlessly....Moses did it for 40. Guess I still have some wandering to do. I wonder why I was made to be such and introvert with a talent (?) for such an extrovert job. I don't even know if I'm that good at what I do....I do know that I but on quite a show while I'm doing it though. If jobs had Emmy's....I'd win for sure. Maybe two. Eat it Susan Lucci.
How can someone be so miserable, and so blessed at the same time? I have an exquisite life. My family is entirely healthy...albeit dysfunctional at times, but who's isn't? I have a roof over my head. A "paying" job. A "running" car. I have my health. People looking out for me upstairs. I don't need or want for much of anything. I have a handful of people I call friends, and I'd think they'd call me theirs. I have bunches of people who I call friends, and they'd call me an acquaintance, or better yet, co-workers. Though I would do anyting for any of the above, even if it was a huge inconvenience for me.
I analyze myself and I know I could do better. You can do better. Always. I think I'm a good person. I should stop gossiping. And eating out. I'm getting better with that. I should be more girly. Ew. That one may take some convincing. I'm slowly figuring out that I am a cutie. Just once I want a boy to think the same (and maybe even say it)I should stop making fun of Mexicans, Asians, sluts, and retard swimmers/coaches. I'm sure if I end up in hell my room will be full of all of the above, and the cupcake table will be just out of reach. Ugh. I love cupcakes.
I miss my Mom and Dad. I miss moms cooking, and dads popcorn nights. I miss laying on our hammock during sunset and watching waves. I miss being in college and coming home to my boy and unwinding with him. (Note: I don't miss the actual boy, I miss being somebody's, somebody.) I miss being the girl I was during swim camp. That was a me that I haven't seen since 2005...that was me + anti-depressants though. Ha. I don't need them. I miss summers surfing. I need some sand between my toes.
Here's to living like I've got nothing left to lose. :)
Brett Dennen: "don't forget/that I believe in you/should you forget/let me remind/that I am behind you./you were a secret, waiting to be found out/soon be what everyone is talking about/may you spread your/love like laughter/find whatever you're after/open all your windows and let the music spill out..../may you dance like rain upon a still lake/you make this world a/beautiful place/no more crying, don't shun your light, keep shining/wipe your tears from your sweet face..../don't be afraid should things happen to change/'cause change can be a beautiful thing/should things fall apart/be patient like a rainbow/life is loving and letting go/"
As you know, I sit and wonder what its all about. What I'm doing. Where I'm going. If I'm where I need to be. If I'm chasing the right things. Paths, boys, life style. I can't shake it. I wonder why I feel like I'm standing still.(Broken record syndrome) I can't help but think, wish, hope and pray that something will turn up. 26years of wandering aimlessly....Moses did it for 40. Guess I still have some wandering to do. I wonder why I was made to be such and introvert with a talent (?) for such an extrovert job. I don't even know if I'm that good at what I do....I do know that I but on quite a show while I'm doing it though. If jobs had Emmy's....I'd win for sure. Maybe two. Eat it Susan Lucci.
How can someone be so miserable, and so blessed at the same time? I have an exquisite life. My family is entirely healthy...albeit dysfunctional at times, but who's isn't? I have a roof over my head. A "paying" job. A "running" car. I have my health. People looking out for me upstairs. I don't need or want for much of anything. I have a handful of people I call friends, and I'd think they'd call me theirs. I have bunches of people who I call friends, and they'd call me an acquaintance, or better yet, co-workers. Though I would do anyting for any of the above, even if it was a huge inconvenience for me.
I analyze myself and I know I could do better. You can do better. Always. I think I'm a good person. I should stop gossiping. And eating out. I'm getting better with that. I should be more girly. Ew. That one may take some convincing. I'm slowly figuring out that I am a cutie. Just once I want a boy to think the same (and maybe even say it)I should stop making fun of Mexicans, Asians, sluts, and retard swimmers/coaches. I'm sure if I end up in hell my room will be full of all of the above, and the cupcake table will be just out of reach. Ugh. I love cupcakes.
I miss my Mom and Dad. I miss moms cooking, and dads popcorn nights. I miss laying on our hammock during sunset and watching waves. I miss being in college and coming home to my boy and unwinding with him. (Note: I don't miss the actual boy, I miss being somebody's, somebody.) I miss being the girl I was during swim camp. That was a me that I haven't seen since 2005...that was me + anti-depressants though. Ha. I don't need them. I miss summers surfing. I need some sand between my toes.
Here's to living like I've got nothing left to lose. :)
Brett Dennen: "don't forget/that I believe in you/should you forget/let me remind/that I am behind you./you were a secret, waiting to be found out/soon be what everyone is talking about/may you spread your/love like laughter/find whatever you're after/open all your windows and let the music spill out..../may you dance like rain upon a still lake/you make this world a/beautiful place/no more crying, don't shun your light, keep shining/wipe your tears from your sweet face..../don't be afraid should things happen to change/'cause change can be a beautiful thing/should things fall apart/be patient like a rainbow/life is loving and letting go/"
Friday, May 1, 2009
One More Drink and I'll Move On
I've found this amazing little website...last.fm. I can just sit, and listen to any music or artist I want. its great. I then proceed to google new artists and lyrics and want nothing more than to post the best excerpts from those songs. Check it out. Sorry if I go in and out of writing.
Amos Lee, Seen It All: "Go ahead baby,run away again./Growing tired of chasing you.../I know you only have time,to love me./You've got nothing better to do./Know that I've seen it all before./I ain't gonna be your fool any more."
Last night I was honestly so sick I picked up my room just in case anyone found me dead I wouldn't have to die (again) of embarrassment that I had dirty clothes on the floor. I swear to you on that one. I also thought for a moment I had swine flu. Ha. I took some Night Quil, and passed the F out until about 11:30 today. I awoke to find someone had stolen my identity again on the same account as before but this time it was by a Pay Pal person who withdrew over $3700 from the account....I didn't even have $500 in that account let alone $3700!
Today was also T's birthday. All of us coaches had been planning on taking him out for drinks after practice all week. I nicely (foolishly?) went above and beyond and brought him ice cream for when he was done with practice. He seemed like he appreciated it. It ended up being Neil and I that took him out after to the classiest joint in town...Players. Play on playa. We had a few (5) pitchers between the 3 of us. Ha. T was getting rip roaring drunk. On the way out he yelled to the both of us to give him a holler if we wanted to meet him down town.
At this point I over think things for sure. I'm still over thinking it 4 hours later. If he really wanted me to join him personally wouldn't he text or called when he got in the car? Or would he? This is why it sucks to be a girl. And for as many non-girl characteristics as I possess, thinking like a boy is not one of them. But if I could pick a trait to want like a boy that would be it. That way I could really figure out that he's not into me, and I need to move the F on.
13 days til the b-day. Man. 26 seems so old. And I am so...not. But the numbers keep climbing. I keep playing the game of Life like I'm invincible. Forever young.
Damien Rice, Older Chests: " Like time, there's always time/On my mind/So pass me by, I'll be fine/Just give me time"
Most days it just doesn't add up. It....being me. I feel like everything is passing me by at once, that I'm not living, but at the same time its all standing still. Like nothing is going anywhere. Are you following this? Ugh, stupid girl talk.
Ben Harper, Walk Away:"It hurts me/To look into the mirror at myself/And it hurts even more/To have to be with somebody else/And its so hard to do/And so easy to say/But sometimes/Sometimes you just have to walk away.../With so many people/To love in my life/Why do I worry/About one/But you put the happy/In my ness/You put the good times/Into my fun.../They say if you love somebody/Than you have got to set them free/But I would rather be locked to you/Than live in this pain and misery/They say time will/Make all this go away/But its time that has taken my tomorrows/And turned them into yesterdays../And its so hard to do/And so easy to say/But sometimes/Sometimes you just have to walk away"
Amos Lee, Seen It All: "Go ahead baby,run away again./Growing tired of chasing you.../I know you only have time,to love me./You've got nothing better to do./Know that I've seen it all before./I ain't gonna be your fool any more."
Last night I was honestly so sick I picked up my room just in case anyone found me dead I wouldn't have to die (again) of embarrassment that I had dirty clothes on the floor. I swear to you on that one. I also thought for a moment I had swine flu. Ha. I took some Night Quil, and passed the F out until about 11:30 today. I awoke to find someone had stolen my identity again on the same account as before but this time it was by a Pay Pal person who withdrew over $3700 from the account....I didn't even have $500 in that account let alone $3700!
Today was also T's birthday. All of us coaches had been planning on taking him out for drinks after practice all week. I nicely (foolishly?) went above and beyond and brought him ice cream for when he was done with practice. He seemed like he appreciated it. It ended up being Neil and I that took him out after to the classiest joint in town...Players. Play on playa. We had a few (5) pitchers between the 3 of us. Ha. T was getting rip roaring drunk. On the way out he yelled to the both of us to give him a holler if we wanted to meet him down town.
At this point I over think things for sure. I'm still over thinking it 4 hours later. If he really wanted me to join him personally wouldn't he text or called when he got in the car? Or would he? This is why it sucks to be a girl. And for as many non-girl characteristics as I possess, thinking like a boy is not one of them. But if I could pick a trait to want like a boy that would be it. That way I could really figure out that he's not into me, and I need to move the F on.
13 days til the b-day. Man. 26 seems so old. And I am so...not. But the numbers keep climbing. I keep playing the game of Life like I'm invincible. Forever young.
Damien Rice, Older Chests: " Like time, there's always time/On my mind/So pass me by, I'll be fine/Just give me time"
Most days it just doesn't add up. It....being me. I feel like everything is passing me by at once, that I'm not living, but at the same time its all standing still. Like nothing is going anywhere. Are you following this? Ugh, stupid girl talk.
Ben Harper, Walk Away:"It hurts me/To look into the mirror at myself/And it hurts even more/To have to be with somebody else/And its so hard to do/And so easy to say/But sometimes/Sometimes you just have to walk away.../With so many people/To love in my life/Why do I worry/About one/But you put the happy/In my ness/You put the good times/Into my fun.../They say if you love somebody/Than you have got to set them free/But I would rather be locked to you/Than live in this pain and misery/They say time will/Make all this go away/But its time that has taken my tomorrows/And turned them into yesterdays../And its so hard to do/And so easy to say/But sometimes/Sometimes you just have to walk away"
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
These Feelings Won't Go Away
"Music is what feelings sound like." Man, I could listen to music for hours. Maybe even days. There is so much to be said for a 3 minute song that can take you to different corners of your mind. I relate songs to so many different memories of my life. I relate certain songs to different boys: (Mikey: you get Tarantula, Gregg: Waiting on an Angel, T: Somebody Like You). I relate songs to family members...Kel: Mud on the Tires, Dad: Amazing Grace, Mom: 500 Miles.
I have my chill music....Ben Harper, Jack Johnson, Kenny Chesney, Patty Griffin, Damien Rice, Jimmy Buffet. I have my gangsta music (lol)...JayZ, Kanye, Salt-N-Pepa, Nelly (jump in your way back machines), and basically anything on Jock Jams volume 1&2. I have my oldies...Chuck Berry, CCR, Beach Boys, and whatever my Dad throws on his mixes he likes to send me. I have my country....Garth, Dierks Bently, Brad, Kenny. I have my alt/grunge/punk side too....Linkin Park, Pearl Jam, Boys Like Girls, Tool, Radiohead. I even listen to instrumental stuff when I'm trying to sleep. There are thousands of songs that fit into different genre's. I think you get the picture. I have very, very diverse music taste.
Once in a while, if I'm in one of those I-need-a-sign moods, the first song that comes on in the car is the one that gives me an "answer". Literally, I take the lyrics and try to figure out why it was played at that exact time in my life. Unless its one of those lame, over-played, stupid pop songs. Then I give myself a chance... one channel change and whatever that song is gets to be my "life map" for the time being.....boy do I like it when "Sex on Fire" comes on. LOL....too bad that life map goes up in flames (pun intended). Nonetheless its a game I like to play. Ohhhh and you better believe that if there are two good songs back to back its some kind of magical sign from the Big Guy upstairs. He knows. I've noticed more and more lately what a sense of humor that Guy has.
My Dad has amazing taste in music. It is very diverse too; though his tends to be more old, old, old stuff. But I think that's where I get it. He would always put music on when we would clean the house together (he's also the one that gave me my house cleaning OCD). He takes his little radio out when we would wash the cars, or do lawn work, or go fishing. He'd always have it on when we were working on houses together, or relaxing on the beach with bonfires. That is one amazing man right there. I hope that I am a quarter of that.
I have my chill music....Ben Harper, Jack Johnson, Kenny Chesney, Patty Griffin, Damien Rice, Jimmy Buffet. I have my gangsta music (lol)...JayZ, Kanye, Salt-N-Pepa, Nelly (jump in your way back machines), and basically anything on Jock Jams volume 1&2. I have my oldies...Chuck Berry, CCR, Beach Boys, and whatever my Dad throws on his mixes he likes to send me. I have my country....Garth, Dierks Bently, Brad, Kenny. I have my alt/grunge/punk side too....Linkin Park, Pearl Jam, Boys Like Girls, Tool, Radiohead. I even listen to instrumental stuff when I'm trying to sleep. There are thousands of songs that fit into different genre's. I think you get the picture. I have very, very diverse music taste.
Once in a while, if I'm in one of those I-need-a-sign moods, the first song that comes on in the car is the one that gives me an "answer". Literally, I take the lyrics and try to figure out why it was played at that exact time in my life. Unless its one of those lame, over-played, stupid pop songs. Then I give myself a chance... one channel change and whatever that song is gets to be my "life map" for the time being.....boy do I like it when "Sex on Fire" comes on. LOL....too bad that life map goes up in flames (pun intended). Nonetheless its a game I like to play. Ohhhh and you better believe that if there are two good songs back to back its some kind of magical sign from the Big Guy upstairs. He knows. I've noticed more and more lately what a sense of humor that Guy has.
My Dad has amazing taste in music. It is very diverse too; though his tends to be more old, old, old stuff. But I think that's where I get it. He would always put music on when we would clean the house together (he's also the one that gave me my house cleaning OCD). He takes his little radio out when we would wash the cars, or do lawn work, or go fishing. He'd always have it on when we were working on houses together, or relaxing on the beach with bonfires. That is one amazing man right there. I hope that I am a quarter of that.
You don't know the greatness you are/Cause Blue Eyes/You are destiny's scene/Cause Blue Eyes/I just wanna be the one"
"These feelings won't go away/They've been knockin' me sideways/They've been knockin' me out, babe/Whenever you come around me"
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Don't Know What You Got (Til Its Gone)
A friend of mine came up to me today virtually bubbling over, telling me she has something to tell me. She is the water polo coach at UT and they had just made it to nationals. I thought it had something to do with that. She told me it was about T. I got nervous because usually it isn't good news. My stomach dropped. She said that she was talking with him before practice the other day. He mentioned that I was helping out with his groups. Karen piped up and said 'so are y'all dating yet or what?' Apparently he got this silly smile on his face and shrugged his shoulders. He proceeded to not deny liking me (note: this is a second hand story), but said that he felt it might be awkward since we worked together. Karen replied that almost 50% of relationships come from the work place, a friend of T's commented that 50% are messed up. She said that was no way to look at a possible relationship, and that if that was the only thing holding him back then that was silly. She also mentioned how we are grown up, responsible adults that could easily set boundaries for the work place if need be. She then told him that he needs to find another job. Ha
I'm not sure what his response was to all that, but if I know T the way I do, I'm sure there was some shifty eye movement and head nodding. Ha. I'm glad that Karen stepped up and said something. Someone needed to kick him in the pants. At the very least I know he has thought about it. Which in some twisted way means that he's thought about me, and maybe I'm not that ugly duckling I thought, he thought, I was. Maybe. (Or maybe it has something to do with my amazingly athletic abilities...LOL!)
I know, my darling readers, that you are just about as sick of reading about this cat and mouse game, as I am of writing about it. Unfortunately, this is a boy I see day in and day out, I've had a crush on him since the get go, and I'm still not tired of him. There have been other guys, but the truth of the matter is a small part of me always felt guilty...even when I was (very unsuccessfully) trying to quit my T addiction.
His actions, after I made a fuss about leaving the team, make sense now. He doesn't want to date me while we work together. I guess I can understand that. Some days I don't want to work with me. Ha.
Not sure where things are going to go from here. I surely do not want to scare him off, which I always worry about it him. My first thought was to ask him out on a Saturday morning breakfast date to Taco C....since he was in line behind me last week, and we basically go there every morning practice anyways. Keep It Simple Stupid.
But for now, I'm going to bask in the story that made my day. He might, kinda, sorta, maybe, likes me. At least I know people are pulling for me. C'mon T!
There’s still hope between the dreams/The weight of it all could blow away with a breeze/But if you’re waiting on the wind/Don’t forget to breathe
I'm not sure what his response was to all that, but if I know T the way I do, I'm sure there was some shifty eye movement and head nodding. Ha. I'm glad that Karen stepped up and said something. Someone needed to kick him in the pants. At the very least I know he has thought about it. Which in some twisted way means that he's thought about me, and maybe I'm not that ugly duckling I thought, he thought, I was. Maybe. (Or maybe it has something to do with my amazingly athletic abilities...LOL!)
I know, my darling readers, that you are just about as sick of reading about this cat and mouse game, as I am of writing about it. Unfortunately, this is a boy I see day in and day out, I've had a crush on him since the get go, and I'm still not tired of him. There have been other guys, but the truth of the matter is a small part of me always felt guilty...even when I was (very unsuccessfully) trying to quit my T addiction.
His actions, after I made a fuss about leaving the team, make sense now. He doesn't want to date me while we work together. I guess I can understand that. Some days I don't want to work with me. Ha.
Not sure where things are going to go from here. I surely do not want to scare him off, which I always worry about it him. My first thought was to ask him out on a Saturday morning breakfast date to Taco C....since he was in line behind me last week, and we basically go there every morning practice anyways. Keep It Simple Stupid.
But for now, I'm going to bask in the story that made my day. He might, kinda, sorta, maybe, likes me. At least I know people are pulling for me. C'mon T!
There’s still hope between the dreams/The weight of it all could blow away with a breeze/But if you’re waiting on the wind/Don’t forget to breathe
Monday, April 13, 2009
Let It Be Me
I really think I've been too busy and stressed to think lately. I can always come up with some word vomit for my faithful readers though. It's been a while so here's a quick recap: I ended up having to take one of those girls to the ER for a double ear infection, a sinus infection,and pink eye. Nurse Betty was back in action. After those girls left I have never ever felt so relieved in my life. Since their departure our Head Coach has asked me to come in and help Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday mornings...which completely fucks up my schedule. I'm already on a terrible sleeping pattern without the added stress of getting up at 4:15AM...believe me it sucks when you can't get to sleep until well after 2. The extra hours are a nice bonus....until I found out that Dickweed Doug is opening a national search for an Associate Head Coach...Waiittt a second; what about the hiring and salary freeze, Doug? Ooh...you got an exemption? And your current staff is....?? What?? Chopped Liver? I'm what?... Wasting my time? Ooh, and I'm not good enough? Aw, you're swell Dougie Fresh. You big bastard. It honestly makes me feel like the last five years have been a colossal waste of time.
I was quite frustrated one day at practice and blurted out something to Tom and Neil that I probably shouldn't have. It was something along the lines of "He's a dick, I'm officially looking for a new job." Oddly enough it took an adverse affect with Tom...since then he has gone out of his way to say Please, Thank you, ask for my opinion, swim next to me, we've had civil convo's, he's made sure I was involved in decisions, and he I even got a kind of invite to his families ranch sometime this summer. I'm still trying to quit him. But I'm not going out cold turkey.
I did get to have an amazing convo with Kris this week. He will never know what a mentor he has been for me. He is down right hilarious, and full of great wisdom though the man will never give you a straight answer because he wants you to do whats best for you. He did tell me about a little story about Randy. He told me that Randy was talking about me in the men's office one day. The long and the short of it was that Randy really admired me, my work, and my willingness to help out. I had no idea Randy even really knew my name so it was quite nice to hear this compliment. Maybe Kris was telling me to call Randy up and make Clearwater, FL my new residence.
I've also had an old college ex-boyfriend of mine texting the crap outta me lately, saying the the weirdest stuff. I eventually stopped answering back. His last text was "I'm coming to Austin." Yikes. No thanks. He was a compulsive liar, huge druggie, and into steroids....all this I found out after we stopped dating. Hmmmmm. I'd like to think I am way older and wiser. He's also a contributor to my ridiculously high standards.
Along the same lines another weird incident happened while T and I went over to a guys house to watch Final Four games. The guy and I work together. He said we could come over, drink, watch the games, and order pizza. Sounds fun enough. It happened to be the same day that the girls left and I was already exhausted and in a not so good mood. I fell asleep on the floor of his apt after one beer. Thank goodness T was there. I woke up and had a text from him saying "I wish T would leave so we could hang out"...creepy...so at that point I was looking for any excuse to get out of there. But the texts kept-a-comin. "you can stay, I'll wake you up in the morning," "why can't we ever hang out alone", etc. Ewwwwwwww. I immediately left. Poor T.
I tried to give him (as I do everyone) the benefit of the doubt. But he wasn't drunk. I have never given off any vibe to him...duh....because of the OTHER coach I tend to send my vibes to. There was no reason for his actions. This has happened once before but he was beyond wasted, and looking for anything to hump on. I guess I should have learned my lesson then. Needless to say, its semi-awkward at work. Ha.
Lets see...what else...I had Easter with my suroggate fam, saw Fast and Furious (amazzzingg..ly yummy), got my taxes done and broke even (Thank God), and also had my identity stolen on one of my bank accounts. Wahoo.
I guess I did find something to talk about. Glad I got that off my chest.
There comes a time/a time in everyones life/where nothin seems to go the way/where nothin seems to turn out right/there may come a time/ya just can't seem to find your place/for every door you open/seems like you get two slammed in your face/thats when you need someone/someone that you can count on/when all your faith is gone/it feels like you can't go on/let it me be/if its a friend that you need/let it be me.
I was quite frustrated one day at practice and blurted out something to Tom and Neil that I probably shouldn't have. It was something along the lines of "He's a dick, I'm officially looking for a new job." Oddly enough it took an adverse affect with Tom...since then he has gone out of his way to say Please, Thank you, ask for my opinion, swim next to me, we've had civil convo's, he's made sure I was involved in decisions, and he I even got a kind of invite to his families ranch sometime this summer. I'm still trying to quit him. But I'm not going out cold turkey.
I did get to have an amazing convo with Kris this week. He will never know what a mentor he has been for me. He is down right hilarious, and full of great wisdom though the man will never give you a straight answer because he wants you to do whats best for you. He did tell me about a little story about Randy. He told me that Randy was talking about me in the men's office one day. The long and the short of it was that Randy really admired me, my work, and my willingness to help out. I had no idea Randy even really knew my name so it was quite nice to hear this compliment. Maybe Kris was telling me to call Randy up and make Clearwater, FL my new residence.
I've also had an old college ex-boyfriend of mine texting the crap outta me lately, saying the the weirdest stuff. I eventually stopped answering back. His last text was "I'm coming to Austin." Yikes. No thanks. He was a compulsive liar, huge druggie, and into steroids....all this I found out after we stopped dating. Hmmmmm. I'd like to think I am way older and wiser. He's also a contributor to my ridiculously high standards.
Along the same lines another weird incident happened while T and I went over to a guys house to watch Final Four games. The guy and I work together. He said we could come over, drink, watch the games, and order pizza. Sounds fun enough. It happened to be the same day that the girls left and I was already exhausted and in a not so good mood. I fell asleep on the floor of his apt after one beer. Thank goodness T was there. I woke up and had a text from him saying "I wish T would leave so we could hang out"...creepy...so at that point I was looking for any excuse to get out of there. But the texts kept-a-comin. "you can stay, I'll wake you up in the morning," "why can't we ever hang out alone", etc. Ewwwwwwww. I immediately left. Poor T.
I tried to give him (as I do everyone) the benefit of the doubt. But he wasn't drunk. I have never given off any vibe to him...duh....because of the OTHER coach I tend to send my vibes to. There was no reason for his actions. This has happened once before but he was beyond wasted, and looking for anything to hump on. I guess I should have learned my lesson then. Needless to say, its semi-awkward at work. Ha.
Lets see...what else...I had Easter with my suroggate fam, saw Fast and Furious (amazzzingg..ly yummy), got my taxes done and broke even (Thank God), and also had my identity stolen on one of my bank accounts. Wahoo.
I guess I did find something to talk about. Glad I got that off my chest.
There comes a time/a time in everyones life/where nothin seems to go the way/where nothin seems to turn out right/there may come a time/ya just can't seem to find your place/for every door you open/seems like you get two slammed in your face/thats when you need someone/someone that you can count on/when all your faith is gone/it feels like you can't go on/let it me be/if its a friend that you need/let it be me.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
And I wonder who's driving your plane?
I recently got to spend an extended amount of time in the Austin airport. Unfortunately it was not because I was leaving for a fun, relaxing vacation; I was picking some kids up...5 of them to be exact. More on that later.
While I was at the airport I witnessed a very good looking man waiting around to pick someone up. (I enjoy people watching in places like that.) I figured he was there to pick up a girlfriend...I actually never found out. As I looked around and flights started to come in, I saw people anxiously awaiting their arrivals, just like the handsome guy. These peoples eyes were huge, warm, welcoming, and overly filled with joy. And to watch their loved ones come down that escalator, that smile creep up on both faces, then to witness the the hugs, and kisses, and the unconditional love...I felt this overwhelming sense of hope. I also longed to be greeted like that. I saw a husband and wife become reunited (and it feels so goOOod) and for a few moments, no one else in the world matters, the world isn't even there for that matter, I saw happiness at its purest form. (I also missed my Mom and Dad terribly.)
I've had a hard time finding happiness lately. With things being miserable at work (Neil is leaving...there's a trend here I need to get on board with), my social life being in the dumps (some of this fault lays on my shoulders, yes), missing my family terribly, and having this overwhelming sense of being worthless.. there have been plenty of reasons to be upset. But actually seeing happiness in its tangible state gave me more of an optimistic view. This too shall pass. Right?
The five passengers I picked up are high school girls from Seattle. Their old coach is our new head coach. I heard them in the airport before I saw them. That was my first bad feeling. My second bad feeling came when we went out to Hula Hut and the girls were so obnoxious that we were asked to keep it down or we needed to leave. How embarrassing. After the weekend I had, the meet, the stress, and the BS trying to find a rental car for these a-holes....no thanks. Doug (coach) confirmed these girls staying with me on Thursday night. I was leaving Friday for the meet. I had to drive back to Austin to pick them up Saturday night, then drive back to San Antonio for the meet Sunday morning. Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me. I am a big idiot. How is it possible to want to help everyone out, having a big heart, and getting screwed all in the same process?
"Take a While/And Take a Breath/And Let yourself down slow/Gather Up your memories/Hold on to what you know"
Footnote: It's my first post NOT about a boy I like! YAY me! And LUCKY for you readers!
While I was at the airport I witnessed a very good looking man waiting around to pick someone up. (I enjoy people watching in places like that.) I figured he was there to pick up a girlfriend...I actually never found out. As I looked around and flights started to come in, I saw people anxiously awaiting their arrivals, just like the handsome guy. These peoples eyes were huge, warm, welcoming, and overly filled with joy. And to watch their loved ones come down that escalator, that smile creep up on both faces, then to witness the the hugs, and kisses, and the unconditional love...I felt this overwhelming sense of hope. I also longed to be greeted like that. I saw a husband and wife become reunited (and it feels so goOOod) and for a few moments, no one else in the world matters, the world isn't even there for that matter, I saw happiness at its purest form. (I also missed my Mom and Dad terribly.)
I've had a hard time finding happiness lately. With things being miserable at work (Neil is leaving...there's a trend here I need to get on board with), my social life being in the dumps (some of this fault lays on my shoulders, yes), missing my family terribly, and having this overwhelming sense of being worthless.. there have been plenty of reasons to be upset. But actually seeing happiness in its tangible state gave me more of an optimistic view. This too shall pass. Right?
The five passengers I picked up are high school girls from Seattle. Their old coach is our new head coach. I heard them in the airport before I saw them. That was my first bad feeling. My second bad feeling came when we went out to Hula Hut and the girls were so obnoxious that we were asked to keep it down or we needed to leave. How embarrassing. After the weekend I had, the meet, the stress, and the BS trying to find a rental car for these a-holes....no thanks. Doug (coach) confirmed these girls staying with me on Thursday night. I was leaving Friday for the meet. I had to drive back to Austin to pick them up Saturday night, then drive back to San Antonio for the meet Sunday morning. Ugh. You've gotta be kidding me. I am a big idiot. How is it possible to want to help everyone out, having a big heart, and getting screwed all in the same process?
"Take a While/And Take a Breath/And Let yourself down slow/Gather Up your memories/Hold on to what you know"
Footnote: It's my first post NOT about a boy I like! YAY me! And LUCKY for you readers!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Have you ever had so much on your mind, but you couldn't say or write anything? Just a blank stream of consciousness. My minds eye looks like the static you see on TV when a station goes out for the night....which I have seen a lot of since I haven't been getting to sleep until well after 430 AM the last few days. I've been a bum. I had to bribe myself to do laundry. "Bridgette if you do your laundry you can go to Burger King for dinner." That really killed two birds with one stone because I was going to go anyways, since I'm way too lazy to cook dinner tonight. Nonetheless it finally got done and I got my flame broiled burger. Mmmm. Momentary happiness.
I was happy for about three minutes when I got a friend request from JK...yeah, that JK...then I got silly butterflies in my stomach... Then I got nervous when I started looking at his page. Nervous! For a kid I knew for a week! I got nervous because I didn't want his status to say "in a relationship"...or see him with a bunch of pretty girls. That's a hit my fragile ego could not take right now. There were a few pics like that...only of one girl, that was obviously once a gf...or still is, who knows. We didn't talk about that stuff much. I wonder if he replays what went on down here? I wonder if he thinks that I could be worth a leap of faith. I wonder if I'm the only crazy that wonders this kind of crap. I also wondered if smoking by yourself is looked at the same way as drinking by yourself. Both of which I contemplated doing tonight so I could relax/clear my head/maybe go to sleep earlier tonight.
I wish I could get out of my head sometimes.
I was also happy last night for about an hour and a half when I was talking to a friend of mine. He doesn't know how much joy he brings to my life. I don't talk to many people like I can him. He helps me make sense of a lot of things. We've only seen each other in person for about two months, but we've been friends for almost 5 years. Its crazy to think about really. He "deals" with all of my craziness with the greatest of ease. Lucky him he can turn off his computer whenever he doesn't want to hear me.
I found out today that I am once again being over looked for a few new coaching positions at the crap-tastic txla. Go me. Our new head coach wants to give our Jr. Longhorn coach (yeah, the guy that works under me, with younger kids, and has only been with us since August) the asst. head coach position for the senior kids. Nice. Luckily he can't work with kids over the age of 12 since they he is also working with the Men's UT team. They also offered Neil that position with 3,000 more dollars than Dave was making.
Yeah, I get it, I need to step up and say something. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to. My work ethic, dedication, and results should say enough. Now that Dave is gone I am the one that has been there the longest. I guess that doesn't count for anything. Like every day for the last 4 1/2 years has been worthless. It's breaking my little heart.
Maybe I need to get out of this game. What else would I do? What else would be this easy, enjoyable, and worth it? What else would let me sleep in until 11 AM everyday? And work outside? And rub elbows with Olympians, not to mention look at men nearly naked everyday? What else could I do in shorts, flip flops and t-shirts everyday?
Say I didn't get out of the game. Say I just looked at different places. Where would I go? I don't know if I want to leave Austin, but I don't know what else I'd do here. I certainly don't want to leave this kind of climate. I enjoy being tan 10 of out 12 months. I miss my family, sure, but could I leave the family I've made down here? There isn't many of them, but by God it would break my heart. To not be able to go to the movies with Emma, or to Trudy's with Mel, or laugh so hard I cry with Mary everyday? I don't know if I could leave that. No one gets me like May-May. No one. I don't laugh with anyone else like I do with her.
"Wait, I’m wrong. Should have done better than this. Please, I’ll be strong. I’m finding it hard to resist. So show me what I’m looking for. Save me, I’m lost. Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ll pay any cost. Save me from being confused. Show me what I’m looking for"
I was happy for about three minutes when I got a friend request from JK...yeah, that JK...then I got silly butterflies in my stomach... Then I got nervous when I started looking at his page. Nervous! For a kid I knew for a week! I got nervous because I didn't want his status to say "in a relationship"...or see him with a bunch of pretty girls. That's a hit my fragile ego could not take right now. There were a few pics like that...only of one girl, that was obviously once a gf...or still is, who knows. We didn't talk about that stuff much. I wonder if he replays what went on down here? I wonder if he thinks that I could be worth a leap of faith. I wonder if I'm the only crazy that wonders this kind of crap. I also wondered if smoking by yourself is looked at the same way as drinking by yourself. Both of which I contemplated doing tonight so I could relax/clear my head/maybe go to sleep earlier tonight.
I wish I could get out of my head sometimes.
I was also happy last night for about an hour and a half when I was talking to a friend of mine. He doesn't know how much joy he brings to my life. I don't talk to many people like I can him. He helps me make sense of a lot of things. We've only seen each other in person for about two months, but we've been friends for almost 5 years. Its crazy to think about really. He "deals" with all of my craziness with the greatest of ease. Lucky him he can turn off his computer whenever he doesn't want to hear me.
I found out today that I am once again being over looked for a few new coaching positions at the crap-tastic txla. Go me. Our new head coach wants to give our Jr. Longhorn coach (yeah, the guy that works under me, with younger kids, and has only been with us since August) the asst. head coach position for the senior kids. Nice. Luckily he can't work with kids over the age of 12 since they he is also working with the Men's UT team. They also offered Neil that position with 3,000 more dollars than Dave was making.
Yeah, I get it, I need to step up and say something. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to. My work ethic, dedication, and results should say enough. Now that Dave is gone I am the one that has been there the longest. I guess that doesn't count for anything. Like every day for the last 4 1/2 years has been worthless. It's breaking my little heart.
Maybe I need to get out of this game. What else would I do? What else would be this easy, enjoyable, and worth it? What else would let me sleep in until 11 AM everyday? And work outside? And rub elbows with Olympians, not to mention look at men nearly naked everyday? What else could I do in shorts, flip flops and t-shirts everyday?
Say I didn't get out of the game. Say I just looked at different places. Where would I go? I don't know if I want to leave Austin, but I don't know what else I'd do here. I certainly don't want to leave this kind of climate. I enjoy being tan 10 of out 12 months. I miss my family, sure, but could I leave the family I've made down here? There isn't many of them, but by God it would break my heart. To not be able to go to the movies with Emma, or to Trudy's with Mel, or laugh so hard I cry with Mary everyday? I don't know if I could leave that. No one gets me like May-May. No one. I don't laugh with anyone else like I do with her.
"Wait, I’m wrong. Should have done better than this. Please, I’ll be strong. I’m finding it hard to resist. So show me what I’m looking for. Save me, I’m lost. Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ll pay any cost. Save me from being confused. Show me what I’m looking for"
Monday, March 9, 2009
I've got a really good heart, I just can't catch a break.
Talk about a lyric speaking to you. Geesh. Ryan Adams also has another line in that song "It takes two, when it used to take one." Does that man know how to write songs to me or what? That previous line is foreshadowing.
I feel like there is a turning point coming in my life. Or something. I have had such a blase mindset lately. I couldn't give a rats ass about much of anything. I'm overly lazy, so I figure somethings has got to give. I've tried and tried to care, but it seems the more I care, the less I/ my work gets noticed. It dumb of me to keep putting my neck out there, exhausting myself for nothing, so why do it? If I can get by doing half the amount of work I usually do, why not? It seems like everyone else is that way, maybe I'll jump on that bandwagon. I just can't catch a break.
What a terrible way to think/act/be, Bridgette Jean! Your father would be so disappointed.
I had two amazing visitors this last week. Two swimmers were here for a meet. We'll call them JK (haha, that's a stretch) and Benedict. (I'm so glad no one else reads these blogs so I can later laugh at my own idiotic jokes) JK has a smile that starts with his dimples then just takes over the rest of his face, and Benedict is the quintessential southern gentleman.
Lets start from the beginning. I found out they were coming on Monday. They arrived Tuesday. When I first shook hands with JK the weirdest feeling came over me. I've tried to describe it to myself, and to a few other unwilling listeners, but the magic...? the magnitude...? the power...? of that moment was unbelievable. It literally felt like the world stopped. Something happened in that moment. I've never experienced it before. Ever. It's almost confusing. I don't know if he felt it. Whatever "it" was. Maybe he felt a little something... We hooked up a few times over the course of the week. It was either that or he really does like older women, which he mentioned. I don't know how old you have to be to be a cougar, but..... roar. (I'm hoping its one of those questions that if you have to ask you're not there yet kind of answers) And on a very, very, sad and pathetic note, he was the first one to have sex with me in my bed...I've lived here 4 1/2 years....FML.
These two boys were wise beyond their years. Way more mature than me, hands down. Quite possibly the most mature 23 year olds I have ever met. I would listen to them talk about their families... JK is the oldest boy with 3 younger sisters. To hear about him looking out for them, and protecting them from their boyfriends made my heart pitter-patter. Benedict is the protective type as well. Your all around man-of-the-house. No one is getting by him. And the kicker is these boys can't wait to find a good woman, get married, and have kids. We would be out eating and JK would see a family and comment about what a good father he will be. Benedict would call his Mom and Dad after his races and not be afraid to say "I love you" at the end of his conversations. It has been entirely too long since I've heard that come out a a guys mouth. I've always wanted to get married at some point in my life, I've never wanted kids, but after hanging out with those two for a weekend at least made me think twice. Haha.
I'd like to think that God was showing me what I was looking for. Or at the very least giving me a glimmer of hope that there are decent men out there. We didn't do much that week but eat, smoke, they swam, I coached, watched movies, they flew kites (true! lol), and I soaked in every moment. I don't think they'll ever know, or care, but man did I need that.
On a rather sad note, one of my mentors told me he was leaving Longhorn Aquatics today. He was the first guy I ever coached with down here. He's moving to Florida with Randy. I'm wicked upset about it. This will be his last week. I have learned far more from him than any other person on this team. He has given me the benefit of the doubt on many occasions, and has been my fall back person since I've started. Any problem I had he would talk me down from the ledge, make sure I was ok, and guide me through it. He has done wonders for this team, and for those kids. They have never swam so fast. I wish him and his family the best. He will be truly missed. Thank you Dave, from the bottom of my heart.
I feel like there is a turning point coming in my life. Or something. I have had such a blase mindset lately. I couldn't give a rats ass about much of anything. I'm overly lazy, so I figure somethings has got to give. I've tried and tried to care, but it seems the more I care, the less I/ my work gets noticed. It dumb of me to keep putting my neck out there, exhausting myself for nothing, so why do it? If I can get by doing half the amount of work I usually do, why not? It seems like everyone else is that way, maybe I'll jump on that bandwagon. I just can't catch a break.
What a terrible way to think/act/be, Bridgette Jean! Your father would be so disappointed.
I had two amazing visitors this last week. Two swimmers were here for a meet. We'll call them JK (haha, that's a stretch) and Benedict. (I'm so glad no one else reads these blogs so I can later laugh at my own idiotic jokes) JK has a smile that starts with his dimples then just takes over the rest of his face, and Benedict is the quintessential southern gentleman.
Lets start from the beginning. I found out they were coming on Monday. They arrived Tuesday. When I first shook hands with JK the weirdest feeling came over me. I've tried to describe it to myself, and to a few other unwilling listeners, but the magic...? the magnitude...? the power...? of that moment was unbelievable. It literally felt like the world stopped. Something happened in that moment. I've never experienced it before. Ever. It's almost confusing. I don't know if he felt it. Whatever "it" was. Maybe he felt a little something... We hooked up a few times over the course of the week. It was either that or he really does like older women, which he mentioned. I don't know how old you have to be to be a cougar, but..... roar. (I'm hoping its one of those questions that if you have to ask you're not there yet kind of answers) And on a very, very, sad and pathetic note, he was the first one to have sex with me in my bed...I've lived here 4 1/2 years....FML.
These two boys were wise beyond their years. Way more mature than me, hands down. Quite possibly the most mature 23 year olds I have ever met. I would listen to them talk about their families... JK is the oldest boy with 3 younger sisters. To hear about him looking out for them, and protecting them from their boyfriends made my heart pitter-patter. Benedict is the protective type as well. Your all around man-of-the-house. No one is getting by him. And the kicker is these boys can't wait to find a good woman, get married, and have kids. We would be out eating and JK would see a family and comment about what a good father he will be. Benedict would call his Mom and Dad after his races and not be afraid to say "I love you" at the end of his conversations. It has been entirely too long since I've heard that come out a a guys mouth. I've always wanted to get married at some point in my life, I've never wanted kids, but after hanging out with those two for a weekend at least made me think twice. Haha.
I'd like to think that God was showing me what I was looking for. Or at the very least giving me a glimmer of hope that there are decent men out there. We didn't do much that week but eat, smoke, they swam, I coached, watched movies, they flew kites (true! lol), and I soaked in every moment. I don't think they'll ever know, or care, but man did I need that.
On a rather sad note, one of my mentors told me he was leaving Longhorn Aquatics today. He was the first guy I ever coached with down here. He's moving to Florida with Randy. I'm wicked upset about it. This will be his last week. I have learned far more from him than any other person on this team. He has given me the benefit of the doubt on many occasions, and has been my fall back person since I've started. Any problem I had he would talk me down from the ledge, make sure I was ok, and guide me through it. He has done wonders for this team, and for those kids. They have never swam so fast. I wish him and his family the best. He will be truly missed. Thank you Dave, from the bottom of my heart.
Monday, March 2, 2009
You say potato, I say vodka.
It's been brought to my attention that I haven't blogged in a while. I have missed it as well. I have been so busy, and quiet lazy in my down time, so I've let my blogging responsibilities slip.
Here's a quick recap before I get into the detailed stuff...car still isn't fixed; STAGS meet was amazing, my kiddos swam so well; I survived a parents meeting; I've done some house/dog sitting, I've learned I no longer want a dog, or at least one that eats its poop, I almost vomited; I can't tell if I am coming into one of those "funks" people get, or if I'm getting coach burn out; our new head coach started, he has a constant "Walker Woody" which I'll get into more later; I have two boys from Indiana coming to stay with me for the week for a meet down here (tomorrow), can't wait to entertain again..I haven't recovered from the last visitors; I've been set up for a blind date, I haven't called him back yet, its been a week; T.A...he gets his own paragraph; I haven't spoken to my "best friend" Kirsty since Jan 1. Should I be worried? My ex-roommate still owes me money.
I'm tired.
Let's explain this Walker Woody. Our new head coach is star struck with a certain coach Neil that "coaches" for us. Let me first say that I think Neil is an amazingly talented swimmer, a great person, and a very, very good public speaker. He could motivate me to start competitively swimming again if I asked him to. (THAT would take a miracle) He's very fair weathered when it comes to coaching though. He's always preoccupied (No, me starring at Tom is not being preoccupied), on the phone talking about his other swimming ventures, constantly missing practices, and he's always on the fence about whether he is staying or leaving TXLA. I get that money is an issue...it is for all of us...but for him to get paid as well as he does by us, and work not a minute over 20 hours a week, he's not going to find anything much better. With that being said our new HC (head coach) refuses to see what a waste of money and time Neil is. It's kind of annoying to us coaches that do his dirty work, workouts, and administrative crap. Neil misses about 8-10 practices a month...and at our parent meeting he spoke about the kids attendance. Haha, there is some irony for you. Get over it HC. He's got no loyalties.
TA, TA, TA....what to do, what to do. I have recently done some soul searching...none that really gave me any answers but, I'm drawing conclusions. I only want a boyfriend at moments in my life...if its cold and I want to snuggle, I want some ass, I'm watching a chick flick, there's a group outing and everyone else is coupled off, and when I wake up because I want to roll over and get into that nook. Oh, yeah, and when I talk to my Gram; so she gets off my ass about it. (Love you gram-maw-fee-faw!)
I told someone about my revelation last week, and she said it was because I haven't met "the one". Yikes. I don't even know if that is in my vocabulary. That's right up there like "kids", "mortgage", or "401k" (whatever the hell that is). In the same conversation this person told me that I'm the kind of person that doesn't waste my time if its not going anywhere. And that I'm in it for the long haul when I finally get a boy. That last part is very true. I will admit to that.
So back to TA. After all the revelations I've decided to play it cool around him....which I don't pull off very well because it comes off as me being a cold bitch I think. I'm not nearly as fun, and I don't really see him as fun(ny) either because I won't let myself. Awful, I know. At STAGS is when I started pulling away, I did notice he was always around me, instead of me following him around. His family came by and I got to talk to his sister, and parents. Ha. I was less than happy the other day when we were all playing basketball, which I kind of feel bad about, it had nothing to do with him, nor did I take it out on him, I just didn't feel like talking. (Who, me?) Lastly he's accusing me of stealing his stupid water bottle. I have never ever taken anything of his before. It kind of made me mad because even after I said No to a line of questioning several times, he still thinks it was me. I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR STUPID BUBBA. Retard. You hot retard.On a related note I've gotten a lot more coaching in lately. :)
I haven't told my parents about my car. It kills me a little inside every time I talk to them and they ask if I'm OK. Ugh. I'm a bad person. They would kick my ass, but I know how they have recently reacted to my brothers' car accident, and my sisters shingles (really, Kelly?! who gets that?). This is my time to shine as the long lost golden child. No WAY I'm fucking that image up. It's the first time I've had this title since I was the first one to graduate college. I lost it when I moved to TX. Black Sheep Bridgette.
Sometimes I feel that I used up every single ounce of optimism and peppiness I had for my entire life in 7 weeks at Longhorn Swim Camp 5 summers ago. Who was that person leading cheers, drinking til all hours, and bouncing back to wrangle 200 kids? Maybe I need to get back on the meds I was taking at the time.
I don't think I drink enough. I don't workout enough either. I hate my hangovers, and I love food. It's an upward battle folks.
Sorry about the randomness at the end. I'm just throwing it out there.
Here's a quick recap before I get into the detailed stuff...car still isn't fixed; STAGS meet was amazing, my kiddos swam so well; I survived a parents meeting; I've done some house/dog sitting, I've learned I no longer want a dog, or at least one that eats its poop, I almost vomited; I can't tell if I am coming into one of those "funks" people get, or if I'm getting coach burn out; our new head coach started, he has a constant "Walker Woody" which I'll get into more later; I have two boys from Indiana coming to stay with me for the week for a meet down here (tomorrow), can't wait to entertain again..I haven't recovered from the last visitors; I've been set up for a blind date, I haven't called him back yet, its been a week; T.A...he gets his own paragraph; I haven't spoken to my "best friend" Kirsty since Jan 1. Should I be worried? My ex-roommate still owes me money.
I'm tired.
Let's explain this Walker Woody. Our new head coach is star struck with a certain coach Neil that "coaches" for us. Let me first say that I think Neil is an amazingly talented swimmer, a great person, and a very, very good public speaker. He could motivate me to start competitively swimming again if I asked him to. (THAT would take a miracle) He's very fair weathered when it comes to coaching though. He's always preoccupied (No, me starring at Tom is not being preoccupied), on the phone talking about his other swimming ventures, constantly missing practices, and he's always on the fence about whether he is staying or leaving TXLA. I get that money is an issue...it is for all of us...but for him to get paid as well as he does by us, and work not a minute over 20 hours a week, he's not going to find anything much better. With that being said our new HC (head coach) refuses to see what a waste of money and time Neil is. It's kind of annoying to us coaches that do his dirty work, workouts, and administrative crap. Neil misses about 8-10 practices a month...and at our parent meeting he spoke about the kids attendance. Haha, there is some irony for you. Get over it HC. He's got no loyalties.
TA, TA, TA....what to do, what to do. I have recently done some soul searching...none that really gave me any answers but, I'm drawing conclusions. I only want a boyfriend at moments in my life...if its cold and I want to snuggle, I want some ass, I'm watching a chick flick, there's a group outing and everyone else is coupled off, and when I wake up because I want to roll over and get into that nook. Oh, yeah, and when I talk to my Gram; so she gets off my ass about it. (Love you gram-maw-fee-faw!)
I told someone about my revelation last week, and she said it was because I haven't met "the one". Yikes. I don't even know if that is in my vocabulary. That's right up there like "kids", "mortgage", or "401k" (whatever the hell that is). In the same conversation this person told me that I'm the kind of person that doesn't waste my time if its not going anywhere. And that I'm in it for the long haul when I finally get a boy. That last part is very true. I will admit to that.
So back to TA. After all the revelations I've decided to play it cool around him....which I don't pull off very well because it comes off as me being a cold bitch I think. I'm not nearly as fun, and I don't really see him as fun(ny) either because I won't let myself. Awful, I know. At STAGS is when I started pulling away, I did notice he was always around me, instead of me following him around. His family came by and I got to talk to his sister, and parents. Ha. I was less than happy the other day when we were all playing basketball, which I kind of feel bad about, it had nothing to do with him, nor did I take it out on him, I just didn't feel like talking. (Who, me?) Lastly he's accusing me of stealing his stupid water bottle. I have never ever taken anything of his before. It kind of made me mad because even after I said No to a line of questioning several times, he still thinks it was me. I DIDN'T TAKE YOUR STUPID BUBBA. Retard. You hot retard.On a related note I've gotten a lot more coaching in lately. :)
I haven't told my parents about my car. It kills me a little inside every time I talk to them and they ask if I'm OK. Ugh. I'm a bad person. They would kick my ass, but I know how they have recently reacted to my brothers' car accident, and my sisters shingles (really, Kelly?! who gets that?). This is my time to shine as the long lost golden child. No WAY I'm fucking that image up. It's the first time I've had this title since I was the first one to graduate college. I lost it when I moved to TX. Black Sheep Bridgette.
Sometimes I feel that I used up every single ounce of optimism and peppiness I had for my entire life in 7 weeks at Longhorn Swim Camp 5 summers ago. Who was that person leading cheers, drinking til all hours, and bouncing back to wrangle 200 kids? Maybe I need to get back on the meds I was taking at the time.
I don't think I drink enough. I don't workout enough either. I hate my hangovers, and I love food. It's an upward battle folks.
Sorry about the randomness at the end. I'm just throwing it out there.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
had a bad day again.
I got in a car accident today.
I had no Valentine's date (for year 25 in a row).
I recently had two high school girls stay out my house, and was completely taken advantage of by the head coach. They were in the car when I had my accident.
I was fine with the accident, just a bit shaken up, until I got to practice and had to tell the two head coaches. That was the first and hopefully last time I have ever cried on that pool deck.
I'm laying low on the Tom fling-thing. (Don't worry, he's still my eye candy on deck) We'll see if he comes around. I'll put money on it that he won't make a move on his own.
This weekend I have to go to SA for a meet with Tom, and Neil.
I'm exhausted.
My douche-bag ex-roommate owes me a lot of money, and I don't think I'll ever see it.
I have already spent $1100 on this POS car this month before this accident. Ugh.
I know we all have bad days. I think I have bad weeks, or months. I hate feeling like this. Doubtful, insecure, useless, hopeless. I know I'm better than this. I know I'll be better tomorrow...until I go outside and see my car again...I'll bounce back. But tonight, tonight I mope in self pity and some chocolate covered pretzels.
I had no Valentine's date (for year 25 in a row).
I recently had two high school girls stay out my house, and was completely taken advantage of by the head coach. They were in the car when I had my accident.
I was fine with the accident, just a bit shaken up, until I got to practice and had to tell the two head coaches. That was the first and hopefully last time I have ever cried on that pool deck.
I'm laying low on the Tom fling-thing. (Don't worry, he's still my eye candy on deck) We'll see if he comes around. I'll put money on it that he won't make a move on his own.
This weekend I have to go to SA for a meet with Tom, and Neil.
I'm exhausted.
My douche-bag ex-roommate owes me a lot of money, and I don't think I'll ever see it.
I have already spent $1100 on this POS car this month before this accident. Ugh.
I know we all have bad days. I think I have bad weeks, or months. I hate feeling like this. Doubtful, insecure, useless, hopeless. I know I'm better than this. I know I'll be better tomorrow...until I go outside and see my car again...I'll bounce back. But tonight, tonight I mope in self pity and some chocolate covered pretzels.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
All the single ladies, all the single ladies...Countdown to S.A.D
S.A.D.....Single Awareness Day, coincidentally is Feb. 14. Go figure. Do I dread a day more than Valentine's Day? (Well, besides my birthday because the numbers keep going up and up, and my maturity keeps going down and down)...no, not really. To be honest I have never, ever had a date on V-day, nor have I had a boyfriend at the time Feb. 14 rolled around. It hasn't really bothered me, and it still doesn't really, but it just makes me feel insufficient. I can knock someone out with confidence (note: confidence, NOT arrogance. I'm not a bitch, but don't stand in my way) but on that day my ego takes a hit. This brings me to my topic...are boys intimidated by a confident girl?
I've heard that boys dig a confident girl; past, present, and future experiences tell me that is not true. At work, at home, I know what I want, I know how to get it done, if I have a question I'll ask it, if I need help (ha) I will ask for it, if I can't get it I know the people that can get it for me. What's wrong with that? Life has taught me that the only person that is going to do it right is me, and if I want it done right the first time, I'd better do it. Obviously, I am either a first born, have been let down way too many times before, or both.
My Dad taught me a ton about being handy. I don't mind getting dirty, and working hard. Girls that can't hammer a nail, mow the lawn, or change a light bulb bother me...but those are the girls that have a man. It's like an oxymoron. I've tried to be that helpless girl, but it drives me nuts. I want to be in there helping to get things done...this also adds to the intimidation factor when it comes to boys. So I can play basketball and take a hit. I don't mind sweating. I love love love sports. Watching and playing. I'd rather be outside than inside. I enjoy camping, and fishing...as long as someone baits my hook (I guess I can be needy). But I love those things about me, and I refuse to compromise on them. I'm ready for someone else to see it that way too.
I suppose some of those things would make me out to be some kind of hard ass though. That is hardly the case. Once you get to know me you'll find that I'm probably one of the most funny people (in my opinion...NOT my family's) that you'll ever meet. I can be the biggest snuggle bear, and I do love my romantic comedies. (The Holiday?!)Maybe I'm hard to get to know. Nahhh.
This is slowly turning into some kind of egotistical mind fuck, so I think its best if I leave it at that.
Happy Valentine's, or S.A.D...which ever you celebrate I hope it goes down smooth, with a good chaser, and doesn't leave you with too big of a hang over come Feb. 15.
I've heard that boys dig a confident girl; past, present, and future experiences tell me that is not true. At work, at home, I know what I want, I know how to get it done, if I have a question I'll ask it, if I need help (ha) I will ask for it, if I can't get it I know the people that can get it for me. What's wrong with that? Life has taught me that the only person that is going to do it right is me, and if I want it done right the first time, I'd better do it. Obviously, I am either a first born, have been let down way too many times before, or both.
My Dad taught me a ton about being handy. I don't mind getting dirty, and working hard. Girls that can't hammer a nail, mow the lawn, or change a light bulb bother me...but those are the girls that have a man. It's like an oxymoron. I've tried to be that helpless girl, but it drives me nuts. I want to be in there helping to get things done...this also adds to the intimidation factor when it comes to boys. So I can play basketball and take a hit. I don't mind sweating. I love love love sports. Watching and playing. I'd rather be outside than inside. I enjoy camping, and fishing...as long as someone baits my hook (I guess I can be needy). But I love those things about me, and I refuse to compromise on them. I'm ready for someone else to see it that way too.
I suppose some of those things would make me out to be some kind of hard ass though. That is hardly the case. Once you get to know me you'll find that I'm probably one of the most funny people (in my opinion...NOT my family's) that you'll ever meet. I can be the biggest snuggle bear, and I do love my romantic comedies. (The Holiday?!)Maybe I'm hard to get to know. Nahhh.
This is slowly turning into some kind of egotistical mind fuck, so I think its best if I leave it at that.
Happy Valentine's, or S.A.D...which ever you celebrate I hope it goes down smooth, with a good chaser, and doesn't leave you with too big of a hang over come Feb. 15.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
you, your sex is on fire.
Do blogs really need a topic? Betcha that title caught your eye. Don't worry, I'm not getting any. Kings of Leon has been taking over my life the last few days. I have nothing to write about...though through my ramblings I'm sure I can come up with something.
Today was one of those days where it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. Have you had one of these? A day where it will blend in to the abyss of forgotten yesterdays...the days where when we are counting our last hours on earth, will be the days we wish we could have back. Yup, it was one of those. An unfortunate waste. Or was it?
Sometimes I wonder why we have these kind of days. If life is so short why wouldn't God want each day to be amazingly great? It probably has something to do with US going out and making each day amazing...but who's got the energy for that? And why doesn't He make amazingness a little more obtainable? I get the whole idea of pursuing happiness...but at the same time things never really work out the way I want them to...(until years later I'll figure out why God was "keeping" those things from me...God winks, I think they are called,)...damn you instant gratification. Maybe its thoughts like this that drive people crazy.
I got caught by 2 parents wanting to bitch, and one tongue lashing email by another overly obsessed prick of a father that claims "he's not overbearing"...just like all the crazy's say. Ugh. Fucking morons. All in a day's work.
Boy update...no big changes since the party. Some sparse texting, and over flirting at practices, but I am still not sure if he hooked up with that other chick after the party. I'll admit she's cute-ish, and skinny. I'd like to think I'm cuter, smarter, older, wiser, more athletic, etc....but what does it all count for? Nothing when it comes down to it. I'm still holding out for the best, but I have moments of fear and doubt....then I see him flash one of those brilliant smiles, and I'm all mushy again. I wonder what he would do if he knew he was blogged about. LOL.
A friend of mine tagged me in one of those dreaded "25 random things" on Fbook (technically, 5 people have tagged me, I supposed I'll get around to it). She mentioned something that caught my attention. She wrote: #10. One of my biggest pitfalls is too often letting myself think life is a movie or a song. First thing, I don't think its all that bad to think of life that way. Yes, depending on the movie, or song, obvi. I only wish my life would turn out like "The Holiday", or better yet, "Anchorman". I think that music affects my life more than I care to admit. I can go from happy to sad in one song. I read way too deeply into lyrics, and I love that. Music is words that your heart can't say.
I've taken some NightQuil...Here's to pursuing happiness, believing in our hopes and dreams, and big brilliant smiles that you can lose yourself in.
Today was one of those days where it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. Have you had one of these? A day where it will blend in to the abyss of forgotten yesterdays...the days where when we are counting our last hours on earth, will be the days we wish we could have back. Yup, it was one of those. An unfortunate waste. Or was it?
Sometimes I wonder why we have these kind of days. If life is so short why wouldn't God want each day to be amazingly great? It probably has something to do with US going out and making each day amazing...but who's got the energy for that? And why doesn't He make amazingness a little more obtainable? I get the whole idea of pursuing happiness...but at the same time things never really work out the way I want them to...(until years later I'll figure out why God was "keeping" those things from me...God winks, I think they are called,)...damn you instant gratification. Maybe its thoughts like this that drive people crazy.
I got caught by 2 parents wanting to bitch, and one tongue lashing email by another overly obsessed prick of a father that claims "he's not overbearing"...just like all the crazy's say. Ugh. Fucking morons. All in a day's work.
Boy update...no big changes since the party. Some sparse texting, and over flirting at practices, but I am still not sure if he hooked up with that other chick after the party. I'll admit she's cute-ish, and skinny. I'd like to think I'm cuter, smarter, older, wiser, more athletic, etc....but what does it all count for? Nothing when it comes down to it. I'm still holding out for the best, but I have moments of fear and doubt....then I see him flash one of those brilliant smiles, and I'm all mushy again. I wonder what he would do if he knew he was blogged about. LOL.
A friend of mine tagged me in one of those dreaded "25 random things" on Fbook (technically, 5 people have tagged me, I supposed I'll get around to it). She mentioned something that caught my attention. She wrote: #10. One of my biggest pitfalls is too often letting myself think life is a movie or a song. First thing, I don't think its all that bad to think of life that way. Yes, depending on the movie, or song, obvi. I only wish my life would turn out like "The Holiday", or better yet, "Anchorman". I think that music affects my life more than I care to admit. I can go from happy to sad in one song. I read way too deeply into lyrics, and I love that. Music is words that your heart can't say.
I've taken some NightQuil...Here's to pursuing happiness, believing in our hopes and dreams, and big brilliant smiles that you can lose yourself in.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
mixed signals
Friday afternoon we had practice. Like we always do. We only had practice at DN. After every DN practice we always play basketball...which we also did Friday. After basketball I asked the boy where he wanted to go eat, figuring I'd get a reply like "I'm not hungry" or "I already have plans"...to my huge surprise he said yes after I got a shower and I should call him on my way downtown. I met him at his place to find him playing War Craft. haha. He played, we talked, and it was by far the best convo we have ever had. It just seemed so easy, flawless, and laid back. No awkward pauses, nothing. Early in our convo he mentioned he and his friends going to see a band, and thought it would be fun if "we" went. It was fun. I made a few small moves, and he answered back just the way he should have. My favorite was when I put my arm through his arm and he put his other hand on top of mine. hmmmm.
After the concert we ditched his friends and went back to his apt. We hung out, chatted some more, and watched some TV, and then I left. The good-bye was a smidge awkward....only because you could tell that we were both thinking "how is this going to go down" and there was a small pause then his arms went big and I got a big hug...It's a start. I think his friends liked me. We had some good laughs, danced, and over all I think a good impression was made.
There was a party tonight that the both of us were invited to. We went separately and I arrived fashionably late, looking just about as cute as it gets....mini dress and boots. Hot. I spotted him immediately,and I kind of figured he saw me too, and casually mingled...I didn't want to seem too anxious. I eventually made my way over to him at the beer pong table to say my hello's. I got a big hug..again...and we both continued to dance/drink/play beer pong. At one point we both were dancing, hands all over each other...in a clean way...He kept drinking...and we ended up on the couch together, arms entangled, legs touching.His best friend was sitting on the other side of him, so I was pretty pumped he didn't mind that we were touching.He asked where I had been all night all dressed up, and why I got there so late, and then he said something interesting. He said he knows I have other agenda's but I should make time for a little "T" everyday. I told him I saved the party for last because I knew he'd be there...saving the best for last, and he was the icing to my cake.
I went to go get another drink after some more dancing and the another girl goes in for the kill..who I had my eye on for some time because we look very similar (she's like 30 pounds lighter). She likes him when its convenient. What was amusing is that every single one of his closest friends, who are rooting for he and I to get together, was trying to get her hooked up with someone else, or trying to get her away from him. I kept my eye on them...like ANY girl would. I didn't see a kiss, but his arm was around her, and she was hanging all over him. But at the same time he didn't look all that into it. (or maybe that's my wishful thinking) At one point I saw her grab his hand and lead him to her room, but he stood in the door way, then the lights went out and I couldn't see anymore.
I ended up leaving soon after that because I didn't want to watch things go down, and the party was winding down anyhow.
I think on Monday when I see him I will tell him that of all the people I saw Saturday night, he was the only one I wanted to see. He's the icing on my cake. I want to be the girl that rolls for him on his War Craft game. Silly boys. Games are for kids.
PS...I saw her trying to play one of your teammates when you weren't "looking."
After the concert we ditched his friends and went back to his apt. We hung out, chatted some more, and watched some TV, and then I left. The good-bye was a smidge awkward....only because you could tell that we were both thinking "how is this going to go down" and there was a small pause then his arms went big and I got a big hug...It's a start. I think his friends liked me. We had some good laughs, danced, and over all I think a good impression was made.
There was a party tonight that the both of us were invited to. We went separately and I arrived fashionably late, looking just about as cute as it gets....mini dress and boots. Hot. I spotted him immediately,and I kind of figured he saw me too, and casually mingled...I didn't want to seem too anxious. I eventually made my way over to him at the beer pong table to say my hello's. I got a big hug..again...and we both continued to dance/drink/play beer pong. At one point we both were dancing, hands all over each other...in a clean way...He kept drinking...and we ended up on the couch together, arms entangled, legs touching.His best friend was sitting on the other side of him, so I was pretty pumped he didn't mind that we were touching.He asked where I had been all night all dressed up, and why I got there so late, and then he said something interesting. He said he knows I have other agenda's but I should make time for a little "T" everyday. I told him I saved the party for last because I knew he'd be there...saving the best for last, and he was the icing to my cake.
I went to go get another drink after some more dancing and the another girl goes in for the kill..who I had my eye on for some time because we look very similar (she's like 30 pounds lighter). She likes him when its convenient. What was amusing is that every single one of his closest friends, who are rooting for he and I to get together, was trying to get her hooked up with someone else, or trying to get her away from him. I kept my eye on them...like ANY girl would. I didn't see a kiss, but his arm was around her, and she was hanging all over him. But at the same time he didn't look all that into it. (or maybe that's my wishful thinking) At one point I saw her grab his hand and lead him to her room, but he stood in the door way, then the lights went out and I couldn't see anymore.
I ended up leaving soon after that because I didn't want to watch things go down, and the party was winding down anyhow.
I think on Monday when I see him I will tell him that of all the people I saw Saturday night, he was the only one I wanted to see. He's the icing on my cake. I want to be the girl that rolls for him on his War Craft game. Silly boys. Games are for kids.
PS...I saw her trying to play one of your teammates when you weren't "looking."
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
If you're tired of hearing about it don't read the rest
We'll get back to those crazy kids in a hot minute.
This topic is so annoying to me. I can only imagine how annoying it is to you. It's been on the tip of my tounge for days. I've even started saying it, then stopped, and covered up. Soooo close. It's right there. One simple question I have finally gotten the nerve to ask, and........crickets. I've even had a GREAT handful of opportunities to say something...we've left at the same time, swam in the same lanes, get stuck in the hall together, talked on the phone about practices. Plenty of opportunities! It's like God is so tired about hearing about it too, that he's going out of His way to give me chances. Believe me I wish I could just vomit these words out of my mouth.
How about we go see a movie this weekend?
Why don't we go grabs some drinks Saturday night?
Lets go out to dinner this week.
It's that simple. I'm still getting butteflies right before I set foot in the pool because I know he's there. For the last 2 months I have looked damn good for a female coach (including putting on makeup, showering, and doing my hair, rather than going with the "bed head" look, I've stepped up my workouts, etc.) I'm ready to go. Now lets go!
I tell 9-13 year olds on a daily basis to "Man Up"...take some of your own medicine, Coach. Quit being a pussy and man up.
This topic is so annoying to me. I can only imagine how annoying it is to you. It's been on the tip of my tounge for days. I've even started saying it, then stopped, and covered up. Soooo close. It's right there. One simple question I have finally gotten the nerve to ask, and........crickets. I've even had a GREAT handful of opportunities to say something...we've left at the same time, swam in the same lanes, get stuck in the hall together, talked on the phone about practices. Plenty of opportunities! It's like God is so tired about hearing about it too, that he's going out of His way to give me chances. Believe me I wish I could just vomit these words out of my mouth.
How about we go see a movie this weekend?
Why don't we go grabs some drinks Saturday night?
Lets go out to dinner this week.
It's that simple. I'm still getting butteflies right before I set foot in the pool because I know he's there. For the last 2 months I have looked damn good for a female coach (including putting on makeup, showering, and doing my hair, rather than going with the "bed head" look, I've stepped up my workouts, etc.) I'm ready to go. Now lets go!
I tell 9-13 year olds on a daily basis to "Man Up"...take some of your own medicine, Coach. Quit being a pussy and man up.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
crazy kids, part 1
Obviously it is not my time to bring a kid into the world. I’m in no way, shape, or form, ready for anything like that. My financial situation can barely support me, I’m way too selfish to share my “me” time, not to mention my lack of personal relationships as of late. I am a believer that I need to have all of the prior in line, before even thinking of kids….I also may, or may not be too selfish in the sense that a) I don’t want my vajay to rip, b) pregnancy is hell on your body, c) I refuse to poo in front of my husband…I’d eventually like to have sex with him again.
Now, I understand that this way of thinking is very unpopular. Growing up, and still to this day, I get the “oh, you’ll change your mind when you meet the right guy” lecture from my parents (who are probably pretty worried that they’ll never get grandkids….Kelly and Artie, I pass on the torch), Gram (who already has 6 great grandkids, but wants more….it must be for bragging rights between senior citizens), society, and that little ticking clock named biological. The above statement may be true, but I have no way of knowing. I’ve gotten pretty good at dodging this whole topic, but lately it’s been bombarding me.
Recently, the number of people in my circle of life that have gotten engaged, married, are trying to have kids or have had kids, has been astonishing. People from high school that have been married for years, old boyfriends that are trying to have kids, people from college having kids left and right, even friends I've meet during my most recent adventure are having kids, and family members having more kids. They’re everywhere! What do all of these things have in common? They are all in my age bracket of 24-27. The worst part about it is “they” think there is something wrong with me, or they’re disappointed because I haven’t followed suit. Naturally, I think something is wrong with them.
If these people knew anything about me they’d know that I rarely follow suit, or conform to too many things. So this whole thing should not be a surprise. I’ll do it at my own pace. I just feel like I’d like to live a little bit, travel some, fall in love and do all that sappy stuff I dream about before taking that plunge. I look at what my Mom went through. She had three kids in a span of 2 and a half years. Kelly is 18 months younger than me. Artie is 1 year and 1 day younger than Kelly. She was an at home Mom while my Dad worked 3-11 everyday, but Sundays. My mom is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, and she’ll never know how much I appreciate her endless patience and love. She over extended herself every day for 18+ years; seeing how stressed, under appreciated she was, and how much grief she constantly went through, makes me wonder could I do that? Could I be that selfless? Do I want to be? Why should I?
Go hug/call/love your Mother and tell her Thank you, fools.
Now, I understand that this way of thinking is very unpopular. Growing up, and still to this day, I get the “oh, you’ll change your mind when you meet the right guy” lecture from my parents (who are probably pretty worried that they’ll never get grandkids….Kelly and Artie, I pass on the torch), Gram (who already has 6 great grandkids, but wants more….it must be for bragging rights between senior citizens), society, and that little ticking clock named biological. The above statement may be true, but I have no way of knowing. I’ve gotten pretty good at dodging this whole topic, but lately it’s been bombarding me.
Recently, the number of people in my circle of life that have gotten engaged, married, are trying to have kids or have had kids, has been astonishing. People from high school that have been married for years, old boyfriends that are trying to have kids, people from college having kids left and right, even friends I've meet during my most recent adventure are having kids, and family members having more kids. They’re everywhere! What do all of these things have in common? They are all in my age bracket of 24-27. The worst part about it is “they” think there is something wrong with me, or they’re disappointed because I haven’t followed suit. Naturally, I think something is wrong with them.
If these people knew anything about me they’d know that I rarely follow suit, or conform to too many things. So this whole thing should not be a surprise. I’ll do it at my own pace. I just feel like I’d like to live a little bit, travel some, fall in love and do all that sappy stuff I dream about before taking that plunge. I look at what my Mom went through. She had three kids in a span of 2 and a half years. Kelly is 18 months younger than me. Artie is 1 year and 1 day younger than Kelly. She was an at home Mom while my Dad worked 3-11 everyday, but Sundays. My mom is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G, and she’ll never know how much I appreciate her endless patience and love. She over extended herself every day for 18+ years; seeing how stressed, under appreciated she was, and how much grief she constantly went through, makes me wonder could I do that? Could I be that selfless? Do I want to be? Why should I?
Go hug/call/love your Mother and tell her Thank you, fools.
ode to uncle bill
I talked to my Uncle Bill tonight about a situation I’ve been gathering courage to tackle. You see, I’m not the bravest of souls, so I try and seek out advice from people I trust (and sometimes from the poor lifeguards who have no choice but to listen to me because they are stuck in the guard stand where I am coaching. If any of you ever read this, I apologize. Profusely.) He told me that if I didn’t take a chance that he could guarantee, the answer would be “no”…and if I did take this chance I had a 50/50 chance of getting the answer I wanted. He then went on to ask me that if I had a 50/50 chance at winning the lottery every week, wouldn’t I play it? Of course, I would. I should also book us a vacay to Vegas.
My Uncle Bill, in my heart of hearts, is the 2nd smartest man in my life (the 1st being my Dad, for all of you curious George’s out there). He’s so street smart, and level headed; he truly tries to look for the good in everyone, and always gives them the opportunity to prove it.
He was my Dad when my real Dad was on duty, or when I couldn’t talk to my Dad about certain topics. He was the man that bailed me out of a few tickets, and a possible arrest. (Lil’ ol’ me? yup. ha-ha) I’ll never forget when I first decided to move he was so supportive. The only real voice of reason I wanted to listen to. Because who wants to listen to your parents when you are 21? He brought me a present the night before I left. It was a pack of legal pads “so I never ran out of paper to write home” and a framed picture of him in his police uniform on his motorcycle.
We’ve always been kindred spirits. I’ve never quite figured out why. He has a gaggle of nieces and nephews, but somehow he chose me. He’s the only family member to know everything about me, and except me with my faults. We even have a secret hand signal since I was 8…or whenever the Vanilla Ice era was going on.
Back to the situation… I’ve decided I’m going to take a chance; throwing caution, and my chicken shit ways, to the wind. Besides, my Uncle Bill said that if he says no, then he wasn’t good enough for me anyways. He’s probably right. (And so were the rest of you.)
My Uncle Bill, in my heart of hearts, is the 2nd smartest man in my life (the 1st being my Dad, for all of you curious George’s out there). He’s so street smart, and level headed; he truly tries to look for the good in everyone, and always gives them the opportunity to prove it.
He was my Dad when my real Dad was on duty, or when I couldn’t talk to my Dad about certain topics. He was the man that bailed me out of a few tickets, and a possible arrest. (Lil’ ol’ me? yup. ha-ha) I’ll never forget when I first decided to move he was so supportive. The only real voice of reason I wanted to listen to. Because who wants to listen to your parents when you are 21? He brought me a present the night before I left. It was a pack of legal pads “so I never ran out of paper to write home” and a framed picture of him in his police uniform on his motorcycle.
We’ve always been kindred spirits. I’ve never quite figured out why. He has a gaggle of nieces and nephews, but somehow he chose me. He’s the only family member to know everything about me, and except me with my faults. We even have a secret hand signal since I was 8…or whenever the Vanilla Ice era was going on.
Back to the situation… I’ve decided I’m going to take a chance; throwing caution, and my chicken shit ways, to the wind. Besides, my Uncle Bill said that if he says no, then he wasn’t good enough for me anyways. He’s probably right. (And so were the rest of you.)
Saturday, January 24, 2009
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