You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.

Have you ever had so much on your mind, but you couldn't say or write anything? Just a blank stream of consciousness. My minds eye looks like the static you see on TV when a station goes out for the night....which I have seen a lot of since I haven't been getting to sleep until well after 430 AM the last few days. I've been a bum. I had to bribe myself to do laundry. "Bridgette if you do your laundry you can go to Burger King for dinner." That really killed two birds with one stone because I was going to go anyways, since I'm way too lazy to cook dinner tonight. Nonetheless it finally got done and I got my flame broiled burger. Mmmm. Momentary happiness.

I was happy for about three minutes when I got a friend request from JK...yeah, that JK...then I got silly butterflies in my stomach... Then I got nervous when I started looking at his page. Nervous! For a kid I knew for a week! I got nervous because I didn't want his status to say "in a relationship"...or see him with a bunch of pretty girls. That's a hit my fragile ego could not take right now. There were a few pics like that...only of one girl, that was obviously once a gf...or still is, who knows. We didn't talk about that stuff much. I wonder if he replays what went on down here? I wonder if he thinks that I could be worth a leap of faith. I wonder if I'm the only crazy that wonders this kind of crap. I also wondered if smoking by yourself is looked at the same way as drinking by yourself. Both of which I contemplated doing tonight so I could relax/clear my head/maybe go to sleep earlier tonight.

I wish I could get out of my head sometimes.

I was also happy last night for about an hour and a half when I was talking to a friend of mine. He doesn't know how much joy he brings to my life. I don't talk to many people like I can him. He helps me make sense of a lot of things. We've only seen each other in person for about two months, but we've been friends for almost 5 years. Its crazy to think about really. He "deals" with all of my craziness with the greatest of ease. Lucky him he can turn off his computer whenever he doesn't want to hear me.

I found out today that I am once again being over looked for a few new coaching positions at the crap-tastic txla. Go me. Our new head coach wants to give our Jr. Longhorn coach (yeah, the guy that works under me, with younger kids, and has only been with us since August) the asst. head coach position for the senior kids. Nice. Luckily he can't work with kids over the age of 12 since they he is also working with the Men's UT team. They also offered Neil that position with 3,000 more dollars than Dave was making.

Yeah, I get it, I need to step up and say something. Part of me feels like I shouldn't have to. My work ethic, dedication, and results should say enough. Now that Dave is gone I am the one that has been there the longest. I guess that doesn't count for anything. Like every day for the last 4 1/2 years has been worthless. It's breaking my little heart.

Maybe I need to get out of this game. What else would I do? What else would be this easy, enjoyable, and worth it? What else would let me sleep in until 11 AM everyday? And work outside? And rub elbows with Olympians, not to mention look at men nearly naked everyday? What else could I do in shorts, flip flops and t-shirts everyday?

Say I didn't get out of the game. Say I just looked at different places. Where would I go? I don't know if I want to leave Austin, but I don't know what else I'd do here. I certainly don't want to leave this kind of climate. I enjoy being tan 10 of out 12 months. I miss my family, sure, but could I leave the family I've made down here? There isn't many of them, but by God it would break my heart. To not be able to go to the movies with Emma, or to Trudy's with Mel, or laugh so hard I cry with Mary everyday? I don't know if I could leave that. No one gets me like May-May. No one. I don't laugh with anyone else like I do with her.

"Wait, I’m wrong. Should have done better than this. Please, I’ll be strong. I’m finding it hard to resist. So show me what I’m looking for. Save me, I’m lost. Oh lord, I’ve been waiting for you. I’ll pay any cost. Save me from being confused. Show me what I’m looking for"